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October 12, 2005 - Wednesday, 11:04 p.m. I was sure Phil would come by on Monday, and he showed up shortly after he got into work. It was the same as always� that intent watching of me as he talks to me. How the man can NOT realize how much something inside him reaches for me, I don�t know. I know that he wants me to reach out to him. He wants me to call him; he wants me to invite him to do things; he wants me to make it all happen. I am sure of it. But I know that it won�t serve me to do that. In the end, I will not be happy in a relationship where again I must always make everything happen. I want a man that very much wants me in his life. Phil knows I want him in my life. I�ve TOLD him. However, unless he does something to show me that he wants me in his life; I HAVE to go with the words, those awful, awful words that continue to echo in my heart. I should be focusing on my school work and looking for a new job or something to supplement when I am currently making. However I continue to think about Phil the moment I wake up in the morning� on an off all day long, and then last thing before I fall asleep. The rest of the wandering of my mind goes to the books I am reading. It makes me wish to create a world of my own. Something as captivating as the world she�s created. It skitters through my mind constantly. I would love to create characters, places, all the things that make up some imaginary world. I know it is because I am not feeling content in my world. I am tired of fighting the battles, I am tired of being alone, or worrying� I�m tired. This week I�ve thrown myself into work while I�m at work, filling every moment of the day. As soon as I get home I avoid, avoid, avoid. I don�t do school work, I�m not even reading, I�m just shutting down, doing mindless things. I do nothing. I know I am escaping. Things aren�t turning out like I wish. I seem to have no control over anything. I�ve been struggling with that. I suppose that escaping into a fantasy world created in literature is better then running away from life completely. That thought flitters in my mind as well. Just getting in my car and driving away� disappearing� but I�ll never do that. Instead I escape into my mind. The creative part of my soul is crying. I need to do something creative. Too much HAVE TO in my life, it�s strangling me. However, HAVE TO is my life� ::sighs:: I know I need to somehow hit �reset� in my life, but I don�t know how to do it. The basic survival is all that I can think of, because if I stop thinking about it, I worry that I�ll not survive. I�ll lose everything. It�s making me crazy. It dawned on me today, that perhaps it is time to shift what I say. To perhaps start to comment on things in the way I want them, rather then in the way I see them, for instance, replacing the word �fine� or �okay� with a word like �great�. Perhaps if I started saying that I am feeling �great� and things are going �great�, I�ll start to believe it myself. Perhaps it�ll actually start to FEEL like things are great. I can�t shake this melancholy, not today anyway. Sweet dreams. M. |