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September 16, 2005 - Friday, 3:57 p.m.

Into the books...

Last night I got home from work and really didn’t feel much like doing anything. I’d decided not to go to the jam. I am thinking that I probably won’t go anymore. No point in going, really. Shortly after I got to work Thursday morning, the two women I was going to go with both bowed out and I decided it was probably a sign. I’m sure I could have talked my son into it, but decided that for someone who doesn’t really wish to have me in his life, I certainly was making myself pretty darn available for him. I am done. Better to putz around in my own world, then show up some place and be overlooked most of the night.

I've pretty much figured I need to just back off completely. Not show up anywhere, not do any more inviting. Just proceed like his words proclaimed, "I'm not what he is looking for. I probably wouldn't make him happy, and there is nothing I can do to change it." Looks like he'd like to be friends if I think up everything and whatever I think up sounds interesting to him. Bottom line is I don't think he really wants to spend time with me. That he was doing it to 'be nice'. ::shrugs:: If I am going to just do stuff, and I have to come up with all the ideas, call him, set it up and pay my own way... I might as well just wander to the movies by myself whenever I feel like it. I don’t take people saying ‘no’ or bowing out very often before I’m not asking any more. I can 'pretend' I'm 'playing hard to get'... but then the person has to want to 'get' you.... and I don't think that's the case. So... it pretty much means it's all over.

So last night, I laid on the bed and read on “Dragonsdawn”. Then I took a hot bath and read some more. Then back to bed and read until well after 1 am. Then I turned on Voyager and watched an episode or two. Eventually I drifted off to sleep.

The nights are starting to get cool. I love that I am cold at night and need to be under the covers. It is one of the best things about the fall and winter. The house was quiet last night. The boys all at work and Moon must have gone to bed early. Most of the windows are open on the main floor and I could hear the train rumbling through town and blowing its whistle. I never did get to the brickwork last weekend. Perhaps I’ll find time to do that this weekend.

Tonight will be a nice evening. I am going up to my parents for dinner. Ruth and Hamp have been up this week visiting. They’ve been friend of my parents for years. I very much enjoy visiting with Ruth, who is about ten years older then my mother. A number of my sisters will be around as well. The rest of the weekend yawns before me, but I imagine I’ll take myself to a movie or two. I’ve two I really want to see, “Just Like Heaven’ and “An Unfinished Life”. They are both playing at Tinseltown. I want to finish my book as well, and start another.

Plenty to do.

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