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September 05, 2005 - Monday, 2:51 p.m.
Labor Day Weekend. Hard to believe it is already Monday and about time to face the work week. I kept myself busy for the most part this weekend.
Friday afternoon, I headed out of work early, headed for a massage. I went out to badge out and found that I needed to set everything down to dig in my purse for my badge. As I got out there I notice that Phil was wandering around the halls. He was just standing down the hall way, doing nothing in particular. He half waved and then headed towards me rubbing his shoulder. He talked to me for a couple minutes, and then offered to walk out with me, which seemed odd. His shoulder was bothering him, and I am pretty sure he was hoping that I’d volunteer to work on the muscles for him, but I didn’t as he didn’t actually ask me. He then proceeded to let me know that he probably was going to be in town all weekend, though that perhaps he’d make plans. I am pretty sure he was fishing for an invitation of some sort. I didn’t step into it for some reason. I told him he should take care of his shoulder and told him that I was going to be around town all weekend too. I headed to my car and he headed back into the building.
Friday night I was going to go a ‘Spa Party’, but ended up stopping at Camille’s to pick something up and ended up visiting for over an hour. I didn’t want to go home, so went over to L’s and visited with her until about 1 am.
Saturday I went to lunch with L and her daughter and friend T. We went to the little Japanese place downtown called “Tokyo Teriyaki”. Their food is good and it was nice. I was going to go home and clean around the house, but they were off to do some shopping and asked if I wanted to tag along. I ended up tagging along for the rest of the day. I went out to the movies and dinner on Saturday night with D. We went and saw “The Brother Grimm”, which was enjoyable. Then we went to Carrabba’s for dinner. We sat and visited for a long while there. It was about 11:30 when we went our separate ways and I wandered over to L’s for a couple hours. Very restless, I am.
Sunday morning I cleaned house and started on the laundry. I spent much of the afternoon reading the first book in that trilogy I got from Phil, “Dragonflight”. I went to Ruhi in the evening and then back home and read until I was done with the book, which was well after midnight. SOooo basically I read the entire book that day. Some time around 1 or 2 am, I noticed that the water wasn’t running in the house. But, what do you do at that time of night?! I decided to wait until morning to do anything about it, but noticed later that there were city trucks out working on it, and we had running water again by about 4 am.
Today I slept in a long while. I thought about doing my bills, but went online to check my balance and freaked out. Gah!! So, I spent a little time looking for jobs on the internet. Didn’t really find much of anything, but did manage to put in one resume. Now, I am thinking that probably I should go out and try to find a second job. So depressing, when that realization surfaces. I’m currently taking two graduate courses this semester, but still I worry about finding a job once I am done. It makes me crazy.
I thought a lot about Phil’s running into me at work on and off all weekend. I’ve realized that I just don’t want to make it all happen. That is where I was in my marriage. I made EVERYTHING happen, I did it. I want someone that really WANTS to do stuff with me enough to actually invite me, instead of tagging along with me because nothing better came along. I figured that if the man really wanted to spend time with me this weekend, he’d have picked up the phone and called me. But, he didn’t. I don’t want everything we ever do together to be my idea. It just feels like I invite him and if nothing better is going on, he’ll spend time with me. I’m worth more then that. However, it is still disappointing. He wants to be my friend if I plan and organize everything, AND it works for him. No. I just can’t do it. I will end up with someone that never makes anything happen.
I am restless beyond words. I am worried about getting a job once I am done with my degree. I am worried about paying bills this month. I am thinking about getting a second job. I am tired of being alone, but refuse to go into the arena of actively searching for a relationship. I have plenty to do without thinking about Phil or a relationship… and yet my mind wanders there incessantly. I know I just need to let it go. Accept that he really isn’t that interested in me and move on. I get closer every day. He just throws something into the pot every couple of days and it messes me up. “You aren’t what I am looking for…“ However, always something, a book, an email, or he shows up!! What does he want? Perhaps he is just dragging me along half-heartedly in case nothing else shows up. Grrr… wish I could shut up my mind. ::sighs:: His words echo in my mind, and it keeps me from being stupid. I guess I’ll have to be content with that for now.
Either I am going to go out and get in my car and go some place, or crawl into bed and read. Either way, I’m escaping.