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August 18, 2005 - Thursday, 10:19 p.m.

Missing my nights out...

Weíve a thunderstorm going on tonight. I can hear the thunder in the distance and the wind is up and the chimes are tinkling. It all sounds lovely. I love hearing the wind in the trees. It hasnít started raining yet, but I hope it will soon. I can smell the rain. Iím tempted to go sit on the front porch, but Iím comfy on the bed and Iím in my pjís.

It seemed a long day today, though really it went by quickly. I sat outside at lunch and read. I am reading one of the books that Phil loaned me ďThe White DragonĒ. I like it, I always do like fantasy. Iíll probably finish it over the weekend; Iím caught up in it. It is the third book in a series, I am not sure why he gave me the third book first, but Iíll probably go back and read the other two after I am done with this one. Jim stopped by when he got back from lunch and asked me if I was going to the jam tonight, I told him I was thinking about it. Really, I wanted to go tonight, but I was unable to find anyone to go with me, so that left me home. A few weeks ago, I just would have gone, but now I donít feel like I can any more, unless I have someone with me and lining up people to go isnít a small task, and even if I get them lined up, there is no guarantee that they actually go. It bummed me out to stay home tonight. ::sighs:: Even finding another venue, where Phil wonít feel responsible for me, doesnít work, because really I donít want to go to bars by myself, and really I go just to see him and Jim play. So I am back to feeling restless, where I was four months ago. Iíve decided if Jim asks why I didnít come last night that I am going to tell him the truth. ďI wanted to come, but I couldnít find anyone to go with me,Ē and then Iíll let the chips fall as they may. Heís a friend of Philís, but if he says anything like ďI thought you came with PhilĒ, Iíll say ďYaÖ I kinda hoped that, but I guess I wasnít what he was looking for when he starting thinking about a girlfriend.Ē Life sucks some days. Actually I donít know exactly what Iíd say, but a lot of thoughts and ideas run through my head.

My workout at the gym was tough tonight. I hurt everywhere. The trainer worked me hard, but I did it. I absolutely HATE watching myself in the mirror. I look awful to me. I am exceedingly critical and I just feel fat looking in the mirror. It sucks. Exercising in front of a mirror is enough to stop you from eating altogether. I really donít like feeling fat, itís depressingÖ and sadly enough I know that it matters to some guysÖ wellÖ most guys. DepressingÖ gah!!

One of the ladyís (K) that I work with at work says there is this thing that radio station is putting on in the morningÖ ďA Mile of MenĒ or some such thingÖ she invited me to join her and a number of other women from work at Starbucks in the morning to take a look at the guys. I guess theyíll be lined up on Tejon tomorrow?! Gah!! That is so not me. I talked to K today about maybe coming with me to the jams now and then. She thought she and D might enjoy coming, so they might come next week. I figure I probably need more female friends and should think about going just to see the show. I guess it matters if I can drag myself out of bed in the morning in enough time to get there at 7 am. At least it is real close to where I live. Guess weíll see how I feel in the morning.

Iíve felt numb most of the day. However, this evening, Iíve been feeling sad. Iím probably just tired and should just go to sleep. Tomorrow is another day, and perchance Phil will say something tomorrow. Iím not counting on it or holding my breath however. Good way to pass out. I hope God can help me to understand all this, so far it hasnít ever become clear with ANYone Iíve ever liked or had any sort of relationship with. Iíve never been able to sit back and say, ďOh, so THAT is why I had to go through all the pain, now it makes sense.Ē Iíd like that to happen just once.

Best if I just sleep instead of continuing to think and write.

Sweet DreamsÖ. M.

Look at that two entries in ONE dayÖ

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