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August 18, 2005 - Thursday, 11:22 a.m.

Contemplating Life...

I can’t believe it is already Thursday. This week has gone by pretty quickly. Monday was a bad day. Not sure why, but I was terribly depressed. Phil came by in the morning and dropped off my movies and visited a little. I invited him over to have dinner and play Mahjong on Wednesday and he said that sounded good, he’d come to play Mahjong, but not for dinner. I couldn’t shake my blue mood. I went home after work and crawled into bed and slept some. Dragged myself out of bed and went to the gym. It was the last thing I felt like doing, but didn’t want to have to tell the trainer on Tuesday that I hadn’t gone. I felt better after the gym and went home and crawled into bed.

Tuesday dawned a much better day. I still had not completely shaken the mood, but it was going. Phil came by again. This time he came with books for me to read. We’d never talked about him bringing me any books, so I was surprised and pleased. He also confirmed that he’d arrive some time after 7 as he had an appointment at 6. Tuesday after work I went to the gym and worked out and then to my study circle in the evening. That went very well. I am truly enjoying the interaction and discussion. It’s only a little over an hour, but I like the way I feel during and after and discussion group. We are reading and studying the book “Mastering Change Using Principles of Synergy: How to Solve Problems Together and Build Joyous Lasting Relationships”. It’s an interesting book and the discussions are lively, thought provoking and enjoyable.

Wednesday was a pretty good day. I slept well and the day was busy. I again got myself to the gym after work. Hooray!! I really am doing very well on staying on task with the working out. I’m not doing perfect, but I am getting there. Phil arrived about 7:40 pm. We played Mahjong first with Curtis as our 4th (until he went to work at 8:30 pm), then Justin (who was home on break from work), and finally Camille, when she arrived after 9 pm. It was fun and relaxed. We played until almost 11:30 pm. Phil gave me hug before he left. Camille came up from the basement shortly after that and they headed out the door about the same time.

Today… I am not sure where I am. My mind set is in a strange spot. I can’t quite put my finger on it. I am not depressed or joyful. I am just in a real thoughtful place, I guess. I have been struggling with this whole thing with Phil all week… well, probably longer then that. I know that I need to really embrace that there is a reason for why things have gone as they have. I also know that I am allowing myself to be driven by my gut to some extent. I am going with what seems in my gut to be the right thing to do. I have been very much in this place with Phil since I started seeing him at the beginning of the summer. I have felt very compelled to remain his friend, even though I know that probably at some point in time I am going to be very saddened. I can not imagine how I’ll feel if (and probably when) he find a ‘girlfriend’, but still my gut very strongly tells me to stay on task and track with this. I know some place inside me that Phil needs me in his life, and perhaps truly only as a friend, but I know that this is where I need to be, and I am working real hard at not struggling with it and feeling depressed. I know I am not explaining this well. Hmmmm…. I guess I truly feel in my heart of hearts that this all is happening for a reason, it is something that I need to see through to completion. I am trying to embrace that God knows better what I need in my life then any machinations I could come up with would ever produce. That even though I some times feel that it isn’t fair, I know that it is unfolding how it needs to, and I am trying very hard to be at peace with that. Most of this week I have been at peace with it, except Monday. If I am in Phil presence, for the most part, I am completely at peace with how things are going; it is when I am alone that I begin to doubt my ability to see clearly. It would obviously be easier to just stop interacting with him, crawl into a dark corner, lick my wounds, heal, and then face the next challenge in my path. But, it seems that this time, I need to NOT do that. I need to face it every day, allow myself to question my own thoughts and feelings and then again, stick to what feels right. It is a much more painful way to deal with it, more along the lines of a burn ward. If you are at all familiar with burn wards, they pretty much remove the scabs every day, expose the wound, clean it and let it heal a little until the NEXT day. It is much more painful then just letting the wound scab over and leaving it until it is healed. But like with burns if you just let it scab once and heal over you are left with awful scars, however revisiting it everyday you eventually heal with much less scarring. An interesting thought.

As I think about Phil every day, first thing when I wake up, last thing before I fall asleep and a thousand moments in between, I am definitely re-evaluating everything on a daily basis. I am up and down, but mostly I am okay, and I am completely confident that in the end I’ll be okay. That is a comforting thought.

At this moment I have no idea how this will all resolve itself, but I am okay with the process. I am both hopeful and hopeless, but content with the knowledge that in time I will understand this chain of events more completely, and it will all make sense.

Later… M.

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