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August 01, 2005 - Monday, 8:33 p.m.

Monday... moving forward...

Itís Monday, and itís too hot. My house has warmed up like an oven. It was bad last night too. I finally got up at about 3:30 am and took a shower so I could cool off. Fitful sleep last night, to say the least. Itís only 8 pm and already I am just tired. I went and did my work out after work today. So far so good, I am keeping up on it, so that is good. I got in the hot tub after I was all done and then came home, made dinner and took a shower. Now I am completely relaxed and thinking about sleeping if the house will just cool off.

Sunday I slept in until almost 10 am and then lay back down for a nap at 2:30. It was amazing that I could go to sleep at all last night, or that I am tired again tonight.

Life is so very strange. I got into work about 8 am this morning. I brought my old VHS copies of Star Wars in for Tim and went over and visited with him this morning a little. The day progressed very slowly. I got an email from Phil this morning. He said he was at a loss for words and that all he could say was that he was sorry. It was a little bit of a let down, but at least he didnít go off half cocked about anything. I wrote him an email back and told him that I wasnít sure what exactly he was sorry about, but perhaps it was everything. I told him that Iíd been very open with him and that Iíd introduced him to anyone Iíd brought with me to the jams and that heíd been over to dinner at my house and met all my kids. I said that I hoped weíd be able to be friends, but that he was going to have to put some action where the words were. I saw the words that he wanted to remain friends, but that I needed to see action along that line. I told him that I have reached out quite a bit towards the relationship and that he was going to have to start doing some of that. He didnít respond before I left for the day.

However, I sat outside and read at lunch time. He arrived back from the gym on his bike and as he was backing into a spot I looked up and he waved. I waved back. Then he came by and stopped to talk to me. He asked me what I was reading and how the book was. We talked about the book a little and then I asked him how his work out went and then we talking about working out. We probably visited about 15 minutes and then he headed back inside. He was very much attentive to see how I was going to act, and of course, being me, I was like Iíve always been. It was a comfortable conversation and I think he felt better when he walked away. I was surprised to find that I wasnít mad at him at all, and that I didnít feel hurt as we stood there talking. It was just nice. After I went back inside I was pretty sad. He confuses me so much. On the one hand he pushes me away so hard, but at the same time he wonít let go of my hand (figuratively speaking). I donít know that he really knows what he wants or what will make him happy, but I will keep telling myself that it isnít me. Iím red. Remember? F*cking red. And I wonít make him happy no matter what I do. Itís like a mantra. Itís something to keep me from going back there mentally.

I brought him a few books today; they are still at my desk. I brought the first two volumes of Harry Potter and then a BahŠíŪ book called ďThe Reality of ManĒ. It is a book I often give away. Itís one I continuously buy for that very reason. It is written with such tangible examples, in my mind it is written for the western mind. Anyway, I think it would be good for him to read, no matter what he does with the information it should open up some thoughts in his mind. He doesnít want anything from me but friendship and perhaps I can give him some insight to himself. Who knows?! I felt compelled to bring that book for him, so I did. I thought about another book for a bit, but when I couldnít find it on my bookshelf I decided it was the wrong book. Thatís my Ďbookshelf testíÖ I always give away or loan books to people based on whether or not I can find the book. :o) I am sure that other book is one I should lend to him as well. Itís called ďThief in the NightĒ, but I didnít have a single copy that I could find. Iím sure I have one, but it was no where to be found this morning.

I was a little weepy this afternoon, but am better again tonight. I am sure working out helped and that I am so tired too. I am going to pop in Harry Potter, Prisoner of Azkaban and crawl into bed, an early night will do me good.

Iíll say some prayers for Timís daughter, Phil, L and my kids, and then the movie.

Sweet dreams.

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