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July 30, 2005 - Saturday, 9:57 p.m.

Crashing and burning...

The last couple of days have not been great. Thursday night I went to the jam by myself. I actually walked in with Phil. He let me know as we walked in that his ex brother-in-laws might show up. I sat down at my usual table and Phil joined me. He watched for them to show up, and they did about 9:30, and it was a lot of them. I mean a ton of people for him. The younger brother he likes a lot and sees him as a brother... that guys wife and like 12 year old daughter, the older brother and his wife, his ex mother-in-law and ex step-father-in-law... some kid of the other brother...etc... I was really happy for him that they’d shown up. No one has ever shown up for him other then me since I started going months and months ago. And ex-in-laws?!?! That was cool.

However, I was pretty much abandoned, which was to be expected. I could see that at least the younger brother and a couple of the others wondered who I was as Phil was sitting with me when they arrived. But he didn't introduce me, not even as a friend or anything. I was thinking okay, I can accept that, it's awkward for him. But what it really did was brought home the fact that he’s never introduced me to anyone. I’ve always sat apart. He came up and talked to me a tiny bit one other time that night, otherwise I just sat at the table alone. Eventually, a guy named Jim (that had once danced with me there) came and asked to sit at the table. I said, okay, but then he wanted me to hug him, and repeatedly reached out for my hand for a handshake and then would kiss my hand. It was very uncomfortable; he'd been drinking quite a bit. Phil didn’t seem to notice and eventually Jim headed home about 11:00. The older brother even stopped at my table to talk to the Jim guy, the younger brother smiled and said hi a number of times, though really didn’t know how to react to me. I just got to feeling smaller and smaller as the night went on. By 11:45 the band took a break. They perhaps were going to play again, but normally they'll end at midnight. I stood up by my table at about 11:30, he walked by once and then was no where in sight. He been in back visiting most of the evening, I saw him in by the pool table and I just felt like me going and saying good bye would make him uncomfortable, so I slowly walked out hoping, but he didn't try to come and say good bye. I’d never left before without saying good bye and it bothered me that I walked out that way. But I felt like there was nothing else I could do.

The next day I was pretty blue. Eventually I wrote him an email telling him that my feelings were hurt and why. I pretty much laid it all out on the line. Told him how much he means to me, told him I’d always be there for him, that I am a true and faithful friend. He was a little overwhelmed by it all, but responded to it thoughtfully.

I read it about 6:30 pm last night. I spent most of the night crying and upset.

His response?

“I guess the basic issue addressed in this is "what do I mean to you?" I do consider you to be a valued friend and didn't mean to slight you. --- I know you want more from me. I wish you didn't. I like you on many levels but you are not what I'm searching for. And I don't tell you the specifics because they aren't rational and it would serve no purpose -- it is akin to why I like the color purple but dislike red. And even though you would be far better for me than what I'm ever likely to find, I don't believe that I would be happy with you. And this is an obstacle that you can't work harder to over-come or rationalize away. And I find that very hard to even say. --- What happens from here is really up to you. I would like to remain your friend. I would like to be able to play Mahjong and other games, watch movies, swap books and socialize with you.” But really he wants nothing beyond that. That is the abridged version.

It completely wiped me out. All I could think is, I am f*cking red?!?? ::sighs:: I wrote and wrote, cried and cried. Eventually went over to L’s and cried some more. I was at her house until about 3 am. I rarely am any place where someone might witness me being upset. I am very private about that. No one sees. That I went to L’s tells you how upset I was. It helped. She talked a lot and was very comforting. We eventually watched a movie and then I came home crawled into bed and slept. I slept until 3 in the afternoon, the sleep of the deeply depressed. I realized that anything I had written the night before as a hoped response to his email would have to be deleted. It was all whinny and hurt sounding. I started fresh and came up with a VERY long response to him.

I pondered it, re-read in a number of times and then sent it. The writing of it alone was very cleansing and though I am still very sad, I am doing 100 times better tonight then I was last night.

Somewhere in his email he’d said “I would also suggest that if you continue to come to the jams you should bring friends or make new ones there so you're not as focused on me -- remind me and I will introduce you to everyone I know there! You may find what you're looking for or the path to it through one of them. Hopefully you will understand that I am looking as well and not be made uncomfortable by it.” What the…?!? Not only would I NEVER look for someone in a bar but he’d specifically told me that he wasn’t in a place to look for a relationship right now, but in this email he told me he’d be looking as well. That’s messed up. I guess what he really meant to say was that he didn’t want a relationship with ME!! And I told him as much in the email I sent back to him. I told him I was surprised that he’d lead me to the same spot his last girlfriend had led him, especially when he told me how much that hurt him.

I made a couple of outstanding observations and comments that I was very proud of. I was very blunt with what I had to say. For instance, “Honestly, if at the Jam’s is where you’ll be looking for love, I am pretty sure you are going to find what you always find. But then perhaps you are okay with great sex and shitty relationships. I honestly hope that you find what you are looking for (which I assume is a great relationship AND great sex), but until you figure out how to be true to yourself and know WHY you are walking around on the planet and what your individual purpose is (and it ISN’T having a great time and great sex), you aren’t going to be happy. You are far from a shallow man, but you seem to be choosing a shallow life.” … “Honestly, this time it won’t take 8 years [for me to get over this]. I guess I learned something in those 8 years. I learned that I am a valuable person, whether or not any man ever figures it out, it doesn’t change that I am. I also knew I was taking a gamble and you as a person were worth the gamble of being hurt. I’ve been hurt so many times, what difference does one more time make? If there was a possibility that you could value who you are enough to look beyond your perception of what makes a relationship and see that the foundation of friendship lasts forever… sex and the physical is transient. Our time on this planet it but the flicker of a match compared to the fire of the sun. In the history of this planet it’s a blink of the eye. If you really think that your existence is just about burning as hot and flamboyant as possible in that blink of an eye you are wrong. The love that you find on this planet… and I mean the love of your parents, the love you have for your children, siblings and friends, all the love you find in your life is the very fabric of the essence of who you are. It is the eternal network of existence. It’s what links us together forever. The love your great grandmother had for her daughter, and your mother and your mother for you, that love links us all eternally. Yes… I believe in existence beyond this physical plain of existence. I believe that every thought I have ever had, every person I have even known, anything that has ever touched my life, everything I have learned from how to cope with life to why the sky is blue, is part of me eternally. Whether you want it or not, and whether or not you believe it, you are linked to me forever, because I love you. You have become part of the fabric of my existence.”

I responded to whether or not I still want to be his friend, “Do I want to remain your friend? Yes. Am I prepared to do this RIGHT now? I need a little time, a few weeks to swallow all of this and find peace with it, perhaps after my weekend with my cousin and your week at Sturgis. Beyond that? If you are looking for a ‘relationship’, I’m willing to bet who ever you find will have issue with you having me as a friend; she isn’t going to allow you to hang out with me, unless she is sitting beside you holding your hand and anything else she can get a hold of. And if you connect to me on a number of levels (minus the physical), she’ll be threatened by that, unless you have that kind of a relationship with her as well. And if you do have that kind of relationship with her, then you’ll fade away out of my life, only surfacing if you need me. From what I can gather from what you’ve said, I fulfill many of the things that you enjoy in a relationship, the mind, the interests… but I can only guess that I don’t meet the physical expectations. Perhaps you don’t know or realize that over time the physical can be perfected, the intellectual bond is either there or not. You either ‘get the person’ or you don’t. If you love their company that goes farther then ‘great sex’ ever will. But if you don’t find the spark that makes you want this person in your life every day, if you don’t wish that they were there every night when you crawled into bed, every morning when you woke up, if you didn’t wish you could talk to them about your day or what you are thinking or hoping for then you probably shouldn’t be with them. Figuring out what we want in life and what direction we want to go, is really a team thing. A real relationship is really about finding that other half of you that completes you, and allows you to give more and be more in your life then you ever could be alone. It’s having someone to share everything with, to help you cope with loss, worry about your kids with you and celebrate with you. They will take the good with the bad. They will love you despite your faults and support you in whatever way they can. They’ll believe in you when you can’t believe in yourself. If you don’t believe that is possible, then you probably won’t ever find it, cuz you’ll stop with the first lady that sets your libido on fire.” “I care about you deeply Phil, and I will remain your friend for as long as you can make that happen or be allowed to by whomever you do bring into your life. I will always have time to listen to you and help you see your path, I will always have time for you, but my guess is that you’ll be in control of that relationship always. I’ll always be here and available to you, but you won’t always be available to me. Most men can handle a man in their wife or girlfriends life that has no physical interest in her, but almost no woman can handle a woman in their husband or boyfriends life that has access to his mind. And if they DON'T care, then they just want your body, and they'll fade away soon enough.”

Gah!! It was a bad night and day, but I am going to be okay. So that’s good to know. I’m not going to beat myself up for what I should or shouldn’t have done. All the choices I made throughout this, I am content with… good or bad. If he doesn’t figure out what he’s walking away from, that’s his loss. I am just bummed that always for me I think ‘their loss’, but still here I am by myself. I just have to hope that one day it’ll be different. ::sighs::

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