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July 25, 2005 - Monday, 11:30 p.m.

It�s wonderful to sit on the bed and listen. It�s relaxing and will probably lull me to sleep once I crawl under the covers. I�ve thrown myself into going to the gym now. I�ll be going at least 5 days a week. I�ve needed to do it for a while, basically since I did physical therapy for my back over a year ago. I�ve kept meaning to get started and now I finally have. I�m just getting started and will have a work out in place by the end of the week. I�ve set up with a personal trainer. This is going to make it work.

My sister�s husband, daughter, son, daughter-in-law, and granddaughter went to Lincoln, Nebraska this past weekend. My sister�s husband, Kevin�s mother, Esther, lives in Lincoln. She�s had MS since long before we met her, sometime before my sister married Kevin in 1981. She�s been in a wheel chair for probably twenty years. She�s to turn 80 in October this year.

When my sister and I were coming home from Lois�s funeral we stopped in Lincoln to see Esther. She�d gotten sick and was in a nursing facility until she was feeling better and had her upper body strength back, to be able to get in and out of her wheel chair by herself. We sat and visited with her for a little over an hour. She was up and about and looking good and pretty happy. She was looking forward to getting back home. She lives with Kevin�s sister and his sister�s husband. Within the last month she slipped in the nursing facility and broke her hip. This is not good for someone with MS. She�ll be slow to mend and will lose even more upper body strength, which as an MS patient can be very difficult to regain. Within the last week she�s developed pneumonia. Her organs are doing well, but the doctor�s are concerned because she seems to be content with being at the end of her life. Without the drive of her mind to recover, recovery is unlikely.

Kevin is the baby of the family, he�s 46 and he was born late in Esther�s life. Kevin�s dad died when Kevin was just 3, and he has very vague memories of him. Esther�s second husband died about 13 years ago. It seems to me like it wasn�t that long ago that we went to his funeral. Kevin is trying hard to be hopeful, but at the same time practical. He knows that if his mom is ready to go, she most likely will. Thinking about Kevin�s family and praying for strength for them to accept whatever happens.

Death has been a theme in my thoughts lately. It�s touching me a lot this year. I am still struggling with feeling alive. Phil helped me feel alive, and some of that has stuck, I just really miss him, and miss hoping on the possibilities that were there.

I�m exhausted again tonight. I am going to crawl into bed now.

Sweet dreams� M.