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July 24, 2005 - Sunday, 1:05 a.m.

Saturday...

I was up far too early this morning. I had a meeting at the gym to try to set up some personal trainer sessions. I spoke with someone and have those set up now. Iíve three goalsÖ tone up, strengthen my core (abs & back) and lose 30 lbs. I would love to accomplish that in the next three months.

Today we did birthday parties for the end of July. We did Curtís birthday, along with my sister and her sonís. Curt turns 19 on Tuesday. WowÖ my baby is 19. Unbelievable. I got up to WP by about 2:30 this afternoon. We had dinner about 7 pm and did lots of visiting. It was a nice laid back day. It rained pretty good at my parentís house this afternoon. It really cooled things off. I loved it.

I got home about midnight. I am so happy that it is just Saturday and that I have another whole day of the weekend left to go. Nothing on my agenda for tomorrow, so would like to get some things done around the houseÖ like laundry and cleaning. Iíll need to figure out the next book I want to read.

I very much need to get some sleep. Iíve not had enough sleep this week. Iím running on fumes.

I realized something very interesting today. I was talking to L this morning. I was feeling pretty blue. As I talked to her I started to realize that I have been cycling in and out of depression for the last few days. Normally in the past when things have gone bad I have dipped into a depression and stayed there for a day or two, feeling great despair and such sadness. I realized this morning that I have had a lot of sadness in the last few days but it hasnít lasted long, that Iíll cycle out of it, feel hopeful for a while, even content, and then dip back down into the sadness. It feels like a much healthier way to process the emotions. Over the years I have had lots of dark, dark daysÖ unspeakable days. Days that I was so low that I wasnít sure Iíd be able to crawl back out of them. When things didnít work out it was bad. It wasnít that many months ago that Cafeteria Mark gave me that really dark day. I was so depressed. This is the first time I can recall where Iíve been deeply sad, and yet Iíve bounced back out of it repeatedly for a number of days.

Itís nice, but I am tired. I am restlessÖ and thinking a lot. Wondering what the future holds and wondering if Iíll be okay with the way it goes. Every thought about the possibilities ahead has a sunny side and a shadowed side. Things could go very well or very badÖ and at this moment Iím not sure which way itíll go, and at any given moment I could be thinking that everything looks possible and not that much later be concerned that itís all a mess and hopeless.

Getting tired of it allÖ for sure am going to focus on the house tomorrow. Want to be able to walk into this place and feel relaxedÖ it needs to be clean for that to happen. I mustÖ MUSTÖ sleep.

LaterÖ. M.

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