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July 23, 2005 - Saturday, 2:58 a.m.

Tomorrow... just keep going...

Thursday afternoon Phil and I talked again via email. He wanted to make sure I was okay. I told him the truth. I said that I wasnít doing that great, but that Iíd be okay. I honestly told him what I thought about his theory about things. I let him know that I still wanted to be friends, and that I though I wanted Ďeverythingí, that I was willing to take whatever part of a relationship he was willing to give me and if that is just friendship that would be fine. I said that is the most important part of a relationship anyway. I wrote that I valued his friendship and enjoyed his company. I told him that Iím not looking to Ďfill a vacancyí. That this whole Ďpossible relationshipí thing happening was out of the blue, I didnít plan it and there isnít a list of men thatíll I go on to after this in any sort of an attempt to Ďfill a positioní.

My spirits were lifted some by the fact that Iíd said what I wanted to say, and said it without concern for how he might take it. That evening I went and worked out and then Philip and Moon joined me at the jam. We walked in just after 9 pm, as we walked up the stairs Phil was standing there watching down the stairs. He waved at me and as I approached the top of the stairs, Jake called him to join them on stage to play. The three of us found a table and sat down. Phil played most of that second set. He played good, and I was able to hear him play, Jake was good about introíing him every time. When he got done, near the end of that set he wandered out, got a beer and stopped to visit with some people. I wasnít sure if heíd come talk to me, but I waited. Within about 10 minutes he was at the table, shaking Moonís and Philipís hands and then proceeded to stand and talked to me for most of the rest of the evening.

It was nice. It was comfortable. Phil was in high spirits, he seemed quite happy. He spoke animatedly with me. I wasÖ normalÖ I was myself. I wasnít weird or sad. I just was normal. When the jam ended Phil told me that he was going to stay and visit with a friend that had shown up during the last set. He was a guy heíd talked to me about before. I told him to have a good time, and that I was going to head home. He gave me a hug and headed over to sit with his friends. I headed out and went home.

He hugged ME. He hasnít initiated the hugs at or after the jamísÖ I donít think ever. He was relaxed. I walked away feeling pretty good. At least I knew that I could be in the same room with him and enjoy his company still. But there are many ways I could take that evening. It could be that he is just relieved to not have to think about how to tell me he doesnít want a relationship any more and make me believe him, heís said it, and Iíve accepted it. That is probably the best take of the evening. The others are more hopeful, but Iíve been looking at the possibilities a little too long and some cold water is probably best at the moment.

Iíve been trying to think about where I go from here. I really donít want to look for a relationship. Heck, I wasnít looking when he showed up. It just happened. I seem to be holding onto the bravery I gained since I started hanging around him. Iíve decided to do someone of the things that I have wanted to do for a while, but have always seemed to not make happen. Things I thought about doing, but didnít want to do alone. One of those things is SCUBA diving. I am going to take lessons this fall and will probably do my certification dives in New Mexico. Iím going to get a tattoo. Iím going in with a friend next week to talk to the guy that does them, then will get it done once I get back from visiting my cousin Kathy the first weekend in August. The diving will get me into another group that will allow me to get to know some more people. Itíll give me something fun and exciting to do. The tattoo is something Iíve wanted for about 8 years. Iíve WANTED to do it, so now I will.

I want to believe that Phil is going to miss me and that he is going to Ďcome to his sensesí. Iíve been there before. That is what I thought with Lee, and then one day I found out he was getting married and I was devastated all over again. This time I need to focus on that what Philís said is true. He said that there is Ďsomeone out there for meí and that Iíll find them. ::sighs:: I am not going to look. Looking has never bought me anything but heartache. Itís still Phil that I want to be with, even though heís told me that he isnít interested in me in Ďthatí way.

So for now Iíll just focus on making my life what I want it to be. Continue to fine tune the singular existence that I have been working on for a while here. For the first time since Gary moved out nearly 15 years ago I know I am not going to be alone for the rest of my life. Either Phil will come to his senses or someone else is going to stumble onto my porch. I canít see my path any great distance ahead, but I feel confident that I wonít be alone. However, if I am, Iíll be okay. That is good to know.

GAH!! Itís late. Iíve finished Harry Potter and I am beyond tired.

TomorrowÖ. M.

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