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July 23, 2005 - Saturday, 2:58 a.m.

Tomorrow... just keep going...

Thursday afternoon Phil and I talked again via email. He wanted to make sure I was okay. I told him the truth. I said that I wasn�t doing that great, but that I�d be okay. I honestly told him what I thought about his theory about things. I let him know that I still wanted to be friends, and that I though I wanted �everything�, that I was willing to take whatever part of a relationship he was willing to give me and if that is just friendship that would be fine. I said that is the most important part of a relationship anyway. I wrote that I valued his friendship and enjoyed his company. I told him that I�m not looking to �fill a vacancy�. That this whole �possible relationship� thing happening was out of the blue, I didn�t plan it and there isn�t a list of men that�ll I go on to after this in any sort of an attempt to �fill a position�.

My spirits were lifted some by the fact that I�d said what I wanted to say, and said it without concern for how he might take it. That evening I went and worked out and then Philip and Moon joined me at the jam. We walked in just after 9 pm, as we walked up the stairs Phil was standing there watching down the stairs. He waved at me and as I approached the top of the stairs, Jake called him to join them on stage to play. The three of us found a table and sat down. Phil played most of that second set. He played good, and I was able to hear him play, Jake was good about intro�ing him every time. When he got done, near the end of that set he wandered out, got a beer and stopped to visit with some people. I wasn�t sure if he�d come talk to me, but I waited. Within about 10 minutes he was at the table, shaking Moon�s and Philip�s hands and then proceeded to stand and talked to me for most of the rest of the evening.

It was nice. It was comfortable. Phil was in high spirits, he seemed quite happy. He spoke animatedly with me. I was� normal� I was myself. I wasn�t weird or sad. I just was normal. When the jam ended Phil told me that he was going to stay and visit with a friend that had shown up during the last set. He was a guy he�d talked to me about before. I told him to have a good time, and that I was going to head home. He gave me a hug and headed over to sit with his friends. I headed out and went home.

He hugged ME. He hasn�t initiated the hugs at or after the jam�s� I don�t think ever. He was relaxed. I walked away feeling pretty good. At least I knew that I could be in the same room with him and enjoy his company still. But there are many ways I could take that evening. It could be that he is just relieved to not have to think about how to tell me he doesn�t want a relationship any more and make me believe him, he�s said it, and I�ve accepted it. That is probably the best take of the evening. The others are more hopeful, but I�ve been looking at the possibilities a little too long and some cold water is probably best at the moment.

I�ve been trying to think about where I go from here. I really don�t want to look for a relationship. Heck, I wasn�t looking when he showed up. It just happened. I seem to be holding onto the bravery I gained since I started hanging around him. I�ve decided to do someone of the things that I have wanted to do for a while, but have always seemed to not make happen. Things I thought about doing, but didn�t want to do alone. One of those things is SCUBA diving. I am going to take lessons this fall and will probably do my certification dives in New Mexico. I�m going to get a tattoo. I�m going in with a friend next week to talk to the guy that does them, then will get it done once I get back from visiting my cousin Kathy the first weekend in August. The diving will get me into another group that will allow me to get to know some more people. It�ll give me something fun and exciting to do. The tattoo is something I�ve wanted for about 8 years. I�ve WANTED to do it, so now I will.

I want to believe that Phil is going to miss me and that he is going to �come to his senses�. I�ve been there before. That is what I thought with Lee, and then one day I found out he was getting married and I was devastated all over again. This time I need to focus on that what Phil�s said is true. He said that there is �someone out there for me� and that I�ll find them. ::sighs:: I am not going to look. Looking has never bought me anything but heartache. It�s still Phil that I want to be with, even though he�s told me that he isn�t interested in me in �that� way.

So for now I�ll just focus on making my life what I want it to be. Continue to fine tune the singular existence that I have been working on for a while here. For the first time since Gary moved out nearly 15 years ago I know I am not going to be alone for the rest of my life. Either Phil will come to his senses or someone else is going to stumble onto my porch. I can�t see my path any great distance ahead, but I feel confident that I won�t be alone. However, if I am, I�ll be okay. That is good to know.

GAH!! It�s late. I�ve finished Harry Potter and I am beyond tired.

Tomorrow�. M.

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