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July 21, 2005 - Thursday, 10:54 a.m.

Redirect... Focus...

Well, thatís that. Phil and I got together last night, we watched a movie and then we talked for a long time. Though he likes me as a person and enjoys my company, he isnít interested in a relationship with me. He doesnít feel the same way about me that I feel about him. He was really hoping to find someone that just Ďsweptí him off his feet, some one that he just knows he wants to be with, and that isnít me. It isnít like he hasnít been saying this to me for a while, but it just seemed to be in conflict with his actions, but I think I finally got the message. I just donít measure up to what he is looking for.

How am I doing? Not good. Iíve not reacted yet. I have just shut down. I canít be at work and falling apart. I canít be falling apart, period. Going to set up my trip to see Kathy so I know when that is going to happen, and then I am going to look for a second job (perhaps waitressing), and start going to the gym daily. Focus on something else. Focus. I donít want to look or think about any sort of a relationship for a while. Perhaps a relationship isnít that good of an idea.

I need to focus on Ďsettling the billí of my life. Get a decent job and start getting the finances in order. The sooner the betterÖ then I can make my life what it will be. Going to cut way back on my spending, I think I have enough of everything. Going to stop eating breakfast and lunch at work too.

RedirectÖ focusÖ Iím already halfway through the new Harry Potter. Will be done with that soon and at lose ends. Will have to find something else to read, though I am sure I have plenty around.

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