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July 21, 2005 - Thursday, 10:54 a.m.

Redirect... Focus...

Well, that�s that. Phil and I got together last night, we watched a movie and then we talked for a long time. Though he likes me as a person and enjoys my company, he isn�t interested in a relationship with me. He doesn�t feel the same way about me that I feel about him. He was really hoping to find someone that just �swept� him off his feet, some one that he just knows he wants to be with, and that isn�t me. It isn�t like he hasn�t been saying this to me for a while, but it just seemed to be in conflict with his actions, but I think I finally got the message. I just don�t measure up to what he is looking for.

How am I doing? Not good. I�ve not reacted yet. I have just shut down. I can�t be at work and falling apart. I can�t be falling apart, period. Going to set up my trip to see Kathy so I know when that is going to happen, and then I am going to look for a second job (perhaps waitressing), and start going to the gym daily. Focus on something else. Focus. I don�t want to look or think about any sort of a relationship for a while. Perhaps a relationship isn�t that good of an idea.

I need to focus on �settling the bill� of my life. Get a decent job and start getting the finances in order. The sooner the better� then I can make my life what it will be. Going to cut way back on my spending, I think I have enough of everything. Going to stop eating breakfast and lunch at work too.

Redirect� focus� I�m already halfway through the new Harry Potter. Will be done with that soon and at lose ends. Will have to find something else to read, though I am sure I have plenty around.

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