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July 15, 2005 - Friday, 11:34 a.m.

Run... escape... run...

I sat out on the front porch last night. It was dusk, but the lighting was eerie. For that last couple of hours a large electrical storm was trying to get started. Lightening pulsed across the twilight sky lighting up the dark, ominous clouds. You could almost taste the rain in the air and feel the electricity. You could feel the desire of the rain to escape the sky, but something held it back. For as badly as it seemed to want to rain we didnít get much, only enough to cool the night down some, and release some of the muggy feel of the day.

I wandered around the house to get a view of the sky to the north, which was much brighter then the clouds to the south. The neighbors were arguing in the depth of their house somewhere. I donít recall the precise conversation (thank God), just the tone and the slamming doors. The weeds are out of control along my fence, hopefully Iíll find some cool time this weekend to pull them. I went back to the front yard and sat down again. I probably could have sat there until the sky went dark and the moon and stars lit up the sky, but I didnít.

Philip and I went over to the Thursday Night Blues Jam. The music was great and I was glad that I was able to talk him into going with me. I was able to just sit and enjoy the music. Jake was on the top of his game. The music wasnít quite so loud this time and more enjoyable to listen to. The crowd was different then itís been before. A number of the musicians that Iíve seen there in the past just werenít around, though those that were there were all familiar. Perhaps it just wasnít as busy as it has been. I missed Phil, but still really enjoyed it. We stayed until Jim played and then headed home. Itís nice to have my own homegrown bodyguard, plus Philip is really enjoyable to visit with. It was a nice evening.

I crawled into bed by midnight and drifted off to sleep quickly. However, I was awake by 5 am again. Whatís up with that?!? Really, I donít think that 5 hours is enough sleep. I woke up in a blue funk. Insecurity creeping in, I hate that! Iíve been able to hold on to a pretty upbeat, positive attitude these past couple of weeks, but itís fading a little.

I have a lot of stuff just smoldering in my mind. Iíve been worried about the daughter of a guy here that Iíve talked to. I am not sure why Iíve been thinking about her so much, but I have. The guy has been VERY quiet, I donít know if I just made him REALLY uncomfortable somehow or if things have just gotten worse and heís not talking. The desire to just walk up and talk to him is pretty strong, though I am afraid if I Ďfreaked him outí before that doing that would just make it worse. ::sighs:: Iíve tried to send a couple benign emails, but no response, so I guess I just give him space. I just really feel for him, struggling for our kids is so hard.

It just all cascades I guess. I am worried about all this with Phil. Perhaps he is just being Ďfriendlyí and really he is just hoping Iíll fade away. Iíve told him I am not good at that. Heís written to me a few times since heís been gone and itís easy to think that is good news and yet there is the knowledge that it could just be a Ďniceí thing to do and there isnít anything attached to it in his mind. Dammit!! I really do just think too much. Itís a fine line we walk between staying hopeful and not being stupid. We canít take everything in the best possible light or in the worst possible light, you have to find some realistic centerline to walk and itís tough. So much crap has flitted in and out of my mind. I was recalling a guy that I liked a few months before I started dating my first husband 25 years ago. He was one of those guys that really wanted to talk me into bed, and would drop by and hang out, but he never actually asked me out, it was almost like he didnít really want to be seen with me, didnít want a relationship to be Ďofficialí in any way. This is one of those things that over time really helped to beat down my self-esteem. That thought rears its ugly head every now and then. I donít want a relationship where I am like an embarrassment, and I donít want to feel like Iím with someone that doesnít really want anyone else to know that we are dating. It makes my heart sink. Itís stupid really, but no matter how much my confidence has grown, that fear creeps in and makes me want to cry. In my minds eye I see that clip from some movie, a hunched over man beseeching the sky and wailing, ďI am not a monster. Iím a man.Ē A woman. Just a woman, not a fashion plate, not every mans dream, just a plain woman. ::sighs:: Itís one of those things that makes me really sensitive to rejection, and being a person that simply doesnít show anger to any great degree I just crumble, I just end up hurt and want to disappear from sight.

Let it go womanÖ ::sigh::

Wishing I had someone to talk to, but really what is there to say? Voicing my worries doesnít really help, but having someone to talk to that could help me to feel better would be nice. Have run clean out of that this week. For the most part I am unwilling to really discuss all my feeling on any personal topic with everyone. It seems to me that the more you talk about something the more that people get concerned or have information to feel bad when things donít work out, it gives them front row seats to your despair. Over time Iíve found that I donít want to go there with everyone. Iíd prefer to look most people in the eye and not see them feeling sorry for me. They easiest ways to make that happen is to have everyone think that everything is great all the time. This time I did pick someone to talk to. However, now L is in a dark place, and not really able or willing to listen, so that leaves me with the voices in my head going nowhere. Itís hard to shift back to keeping it all to myself, but I can see that is what I need to do. Probably would have been better if Iíd just kept it all to myself from the get go. ::sighs:: Then I wouldnít be here. I go through this mentally a lot. So often I just retreat into silence with everyone. Just talking about stuff that isnít terribly personal. Nothing that touches at the struggles we all struggle with. It just reinforces that we take this journey alone. I need to keep that in mind and stop relying on people to listen to me. Have to figure out how to just handle it all myself. Then no body is thinking anything anywhere that has anything to do with me. Gah!! I am in a bad, bad place today. Itís very dark here and Iím all alone. ::hugs:: I have to stop crying at my desk.

Heading to the picnic table to read. Escape womanÖ escape.

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