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June 30, 2005 - Thursday, 10:28 p.m.

Who Said Life was Simple?

The sky is dark tonight. Looks like rain. The wind’s picked up and the house is cooling off. It wants to rain. I look out to the north, the sky wants to let lose… it lays heavy in the air. I can hear the thunder in the distance, and the chime is ringing quietly in the breeze outside my window. But there is a presence in the air, it’s quiet and waiting. I feel sad. It wraps around me, threatening to pull me down.

It’s been a little while. So much has happened, where do I start? Do I go through each day and lay out all the details? I don’t think I can. Last week I finished up my paper and test for my class, so that is behind me at last. I took two days off of work to give me enough time. It took both days, and at about 4 pm on Friday I drove up to the school and dropped them off. Gah!! Rather then feeling elated, I just felt a huge vacuum. It seemed like something spectacular should happen when I finished. But there was nothing, nothing to do and no one to celebrate with, so I went home and sat in my room. Rosie called about 6:15 and asked if I wanted to go the 6:55 showing of “The Perfect Man.” I leapt at it and arrived at the theatre 15 minutes later. The movie was cute. I went home afterwards and went to bed shortly after that.

Phil and I have spent some time together over the last couple weeks. We’ve watched some movies, and gone out to the movies and dinner. We’ve also talked a lot. How are things progressing? I really have no idea. Either I hold no charm for him, or he is as confused about what he wants to do in his life as he says he is. He continues to hold firm with the idea that I am going to figure out something about him that I can’t possibly tolerate and will drop him like a hot potato. Some have suggested that perhaps it’s a nice way of telling me he isn’t interested, but I guess I am a little dense. Though I hear what he is saying, I am just not feeling it. For me if just feels conflicted. I’ve not seen anything that would make me run, but he seems to think I should just think harder. Like I said either he is trying to push me to walk away from him (as an easy way out, he doesn’t have to do anything) or he is worried about getting hurt. The first line of reasoning is what my friends seem to side with.

After dinner on Wednesday night (over a week ago) he told me he’d call me later in the week. By Friday night I was really hoping for a phone call, but nothing. Saturday morning I got up and spent the day with Jackie. It had been four years since we got together and it was really nice. We went out to breakfast, shared some pictures and talked and talked. Then we wandered around town visiting people… my cousin (her friend), my sister, and L who she’d also worked with. By 9 pm I was wandering on home. It was a lovely long day.

Sunday morning it was off to my parents for Ruhi and then by afternoon I felt like it was really ‘late enough in the week’ by now. ::sighs:: Lynn called and asked if I wanted to go see “Bewitched” with her. Again I jumped at it. I was beyond restless. It was a cute movie. I enjoyed the movie and the time with Lynn and arrived home about 5 pm. Silence, no phone call. I knew I wasn’t going to make it. Phil had told me earlier in the week that he was going to take a trip to Belize with his son and I knew the weekend was going to spent getting ready for that, but also spending some times with friends. (He left for Belize this morning). I knew I couldn’t stand to sit at the house going stir crazy so I got up and headed over to Wayfarer’s. I was caught between thinking he’d be too busy to go and hoping that he would show up. He wandered in about 7:30. He talked to me some and visited with some others. He asked me to dance and we danced to one song. We walked out together after he played. We talked seriously that night for over an hour. I wanted to know what he saw down the road. I didn’t want to be making a fool of myself and told him as much. I told him I was disappointed that he hadn’t called after he’d said he would. He apologized. He told me that while he was gone for the next three weeks that we should both spend some time thinking about where we want this to go. He again mentioned that if I thought about it hard I was going to probably see that he isn’t what I want. I think he is wrong. But another part of me thinks he wants me to walk away so he doesn’t have to. But then ANOTHER part thinks maybe he just is so sure he is going to get hurt that he’s pushing me to prove himself right. ::sighs:: Either way it’ll probably be the same after he comes back. No decisions made… but I need to know… does it drop back to a friendship or transition into a relationship. It has to go one way or the other. I’ll be disappointed and hurt if he withdraws, but currently I expect that he will. He’s not reaching towards me and I am offering him everything. ::sighs::

We were up very late talking Sunday and Monday I was beyond tired, and some what depressed. He didn’t come to see me Monday and I got a couple of short emails. I went home and crawled into bed at 5 pm.

I’m struggling with which direction this is going to go with Phil. I am so attracted to him, I miss him when he’s not around and just want to spend time with him, but he doesn’t seem to share that idea. He seemed to easily leave on vacation. He talked to me that last couple days. But no hug, no “I’ll miss you”, just a ‘Have a good time while I’m gone.” ::sighs::

Now I have 18 days to just think.

However… when it rains is pours. And I guess once you decide you are ready to go into a relationship people start showing up from everywhere. It’s made a very perplexing situation even more intense and confusing.

I got to thinking yesterday that I must be leaking pheromones or something…

So much more to say… but sleep is calling me… I’ll be back tomorrow…

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