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June 07, 2005 - Tuesday, 9:11 p.m.

Night Vision...

There is something therapeutic about driving. The window rolled down, a soft breeze coming in and radio quietly playing. It was dark. I love the dark. The lights of the city spread out before me. Everything washed out to dark shadows. Somehow there is aliveness to the night that is missing in the quietness of the day. I love how it makes me feel. As much as I like sitting in the sun, I love sitting in the dark more. A screen door slamming, people talking quietly, crickets, the soft drone of the traffic… I love the sounds of the night.

I drove for hours, all over town. Up to the university were there is a great view of the city, through Old Colorado City, Manitou Springs, Downtown… I like it. It’s a good time to think, or visit if I drag someone with me. I took L with me and we visited for most of the drive, though some of it she spent on the phone and my mind just wandered.

Eventually we ended up at Walmart. L had errands and I just wandered around picking up odds and ends. At one point a guy walked by me, smiled, said hi, asked how I was, smiled again and walked on. Odd. He was a biker guy… leather vest, with some club name on the back, tattoos, bald. Biker guys don’t usually even see me, let alone greet me and smile. It was very strange. Once back in the car I pondered this trying to figure out why. It dawned on me that in the last week I’ve been in and around biker establishments twice, and though everyone was a blur to me as I didn’t really know anyone, I most likely stood out. Perhaps he recognized me. Very strange, not particularly scary as most of the biker guys I’ve ever run into have seem very nice and don’t seem to illicit fear in me, but strange nonetheless.

I was home late, crawled into bed, emailed Dan some, (he was industriously studying for the test) and then I fell asleep.

I was up early and into work. My mind isn’t letting me sleep much. How I found time to think about anything but my test today is beyond me. But, somehow I did. Think, think, think… Thinking about life... thinking about Phil... wondering about my life down the road... thinking about new jobs… thinking about summer days... thinking about class... my mind was just not into work OR studying... I got to thinking about what I really want my life to look like... day to day... what about my career (which I am not that excited about)... Hoping I can find something that I can get excited about… thinking about my family.

My mom called this morning to see how I am doing as she hasn't heard from me in a while. My sister was up visiting and I got to wondering if I might have become a topic of conversation. My sister reads my blog… and perhaps they felt reason to worry. I’m not exactly acting like I normally do... out all night and now hanging out at bars. It doesn't sound good... does it? It feels okay however... actually enjoyable. But I know they love me and worry about me. This got me to thinking that if they are concerned perhaps I need to think about things more. Not a bad thing to do. So ponder I did, as I sat at my desk working today.

I don't know, but I have been having a huge problem with not feeling alive... too many deaths this spring, and life is passing by far too quickly. I don't want to get to the end of my life waiting for TOMORROW to feel alive... perhaps I am going out there. Perhaps it looks reckless... but it doesn't feel reckless. "It is better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all." I know I can’t wait for life to happen to me. I’ve already spent a lot of time waiting. Waiting for the end of the work day, waiting for the end of the week, waiting for the perfect relationship to drop in my lap, waiting for life to happen TO me… It doesn’t work that way. In the last couple of years I’ve pushed myself in a lot of ways. I enrolled in graduate school, I did those crazy ‘Visionworks’ classes. I've pushed out in a lot of different directions... It’s taken a lot of work, thinking, crying, hoping… but finally after a number of heartbreaks I think I am actually ready to accept a relationship into my life. I spent a lot of time ‘wanting’ a relationship, but being totally afraid to commit to that for fear of being hurt. It doesn’t seem to me that I am doing everything I 'should' and I am tired of feeling like I 'should' do so much... I just want to feel alive.

And therein lays the concern… I need to be careful not to jump into things. I need to keep my mind present and read the situations. I don’t want this to just be about ‘feeling alive’. I want to see some depth to the relationship and possibilities. Learning when to cut and run is probably something I need to figure out… I’m not ready yet. I’d like to hold onto hope just a little longer…

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