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June 04, 2005 - Saturday, 11:12 a.m.

Foolishness... perhaps...

You know, life is convoluted. I am having a really hard time reading this whole situation with Phil. I feel like I've let him know that I am interested in getting to know him, and though he said that my terms weren't acceptable, it seems like he does want to get to know me. Now perhaps I am just misreading the whole situation and he’s just being 'nice' to me and am hoping I'll tire of it all shortly and leave him alone. Honestly, if he isn't interested in me, I'll leave him alone. He'll probably still see me around, but he won't be obligated to entertain me. I think he is definitely someone worth getting to know, and as I don't seem to be too savvy on this whole thing it would be really nice if he would just tell if he’s changed his mind, because I am probably not going to figure it out by myself.

You know, I just can't sleep with someone and then later find out that their kids can't stand me or my kids can't stand him or that we hate just sitting around doing nothing together or that we'd both rather do OTHER stuff or that we totally disagree on life… it would break my heart. I just want to move on and leave him alone if there is no chance of getting to know him, if he just isn't interested. I don't suppose he realizes just how picky I am. I very rarely run into anyone that I'd actually like to pursue a relationship with. He's either very lucky or very unlucky depending upon where you are standing.

I’ll probably follow this out to its painful end. It’s been such a long time since I’ve seen possibility that it is hard to just give up. However, this weekend will be filled with school stuff. Another week and this class will be over. Then it’ll be time to think more seriously about a part time job for the summer. ::sighs:: Worrying about money again. I hate that. I applied for a job in Arizona today. Would have to be considerably more then I am making presently for me to take it. I need to start looking. I’ll find plenty to keep me busy even without all this ‘possibility’.

I have been up and down ALL week. One minute I can see all the possibilities and feel really positive, and then I let doubt creep in and I start feeling like I am just making a fool out of myself, and that I’m chasing ghosts. It feels so nice to feel positive and hopeful, and I like to keep myself there as much as I can. However I have a tendency to give myself a hard slap and a reality check far too often.

Okay, I am about done talking about all this… I just start to sound crazy and pathetic after a while. Rather then worrying and wondering and driving myself crazy I’ll probably ask him pointblank here in the next week or so. “Are you interested or not? If not I’ll leave you alone.” Then I’ll know the lay of the land. Foolishness? Most likely.

Today I am off to ice skate for a while, to the movies and then some late lunch. After that, home to studying for the rest of the weekend for the test on Tuesday. Well… we’ll see. I am NOT that good at JUST doing homework… life’s too short.

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