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May 30, 2005 - Monday, 9:30 p.m.

Blue Monday

It’s a rainy, cold, lonely day. I didn’t get out of bed for over twenty-four hours. I was either working on stuff for school, sleeping or writing on the PC. I’ve done a piss poor job of studying for my test tomorrow. Terribly distracted and feeling unbearably lonely. I had hoped to talk to a few people in hopes of getting out of this blue flunk. I talked a little to my sister (thankfully in IM’s as I spent most of the time crying quietly). Called to talk to another friend, but she had unexpected company. She was going to stop by when she dropped them off at home and visit some, but called me later, telling me she’d completely forgotten. ::sighs:: I got in my car and went for a ride, which is suppose to help. I drove around for about an hour. It rained hard for part of it, but mostly was just cloudy and dreary. Didn’t alleviate the blues… didn’t help at all. Rosie called while I was getting gas for the car, and wondered if I wanted to go to a movie tonight. HELL YES… what I said however was “Sure”. To hell with studying, which I am not doing ANYWAY, I will head out to meet her in a few minutes.

I have spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about Phil. Not sure why I do that, it doesn’t help. Hmmm… just doesn’t help at all. A thousand thoughts spent on thinking about how nice it was to cuddle and be hugged. Then I got to thinking… though he very much wanted to ‘sleep’ with me, he didn’t even try to kiss me. I’m thinking that isn’t good. Either he really isn’t that interested, or it was just a ‘physical’ thing… as kissing is really more intimate in many ways, for many people. I also realized that kissing would have made him FAR more persuasive, so it is probably a good thing he didn’t. Though on the one hand I truly feel that way, mostly it is a case of “who am I kidding?” I’d have really liked a kiss, or even to have merited a kiss in his mind, which I must not have. I suppose I could tell myself that maybe it was more about being vulnerable for him, and he didn’t want to be, but I think I’d just be taking MYSELF down a primrose path to give it that rosy of a connotation.

What am I going to do? I’m wondering how hard it is going to be to sit across from him and talk to him about work, when I am remembering how nice it was to be snuggled up next to him and then realizing that will probably never happen again. I don’t know, I am not that good at turning off the feelings. Hell, when he came in BEFORE I wanted to jump up and give him a hug, now that I have how will I stop myself? What do I want? I want him to call me up, or come by my desk next week and ask me out to dinner or a movie, or SOMETHING… I want to have that chance to get to know him better. Will it not even bother him? How will he be able to look at me and NOT think about me touching him? Hugging him? Snuggling with him? If he is cold to me, it’ll be awful. If he doesn’t just shut me down this week, I’ll be sitting at a table for the jam thing on Thursday night, hoping he’ll show up there. Pathetic as I am, it’ll probably take a pretty cold slap in the face for me to give up hope. I must be a glutton for punishment.

My sister asked if he called yesterday or today. I told her no, and that I didn’t expect that he would. He never asked for my phone number and though I am listed in the phone book, I doubt he’d take the time to look it up. I told her that I figured it was probably too much work. I am probably too much work. She said, if he’s the right person, you won’t be too much work, if not, he doesn’t deserve you. ::sighs:: I told her… “it gets lonely never finding anyone that 'deserves' me...” So, what really has me so blue? I think it is really mostly about not feeling like I am worth it to far too many guys. That totally sucks. In my heart I know I am, but somehow that idea just isn’t getting out there.

I am going to go crawl into a dark theatre and pretend to be somewhere else for a while. Maybe I can forget for a while how awful it feels to feel so empty. Because, when I get home I’ll probably crawl into my empty bed and cry. All I’ll be able to think about is how I am NOT being cuddled until I fall asleep and how much it sucks that no one wants that job permanently.

Somebody slap me.

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