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May 20, 2005 - Friday, 11:22 p.m.

Friday Afternoon in the Universe...

It's Friday afternoon in the universe… at least my universe. It's about 5 pm. I've had a couple busy days at work. I slipped away this morning, took my lunch, and went to the UCCS graduation at the World Arena. It's hard to believe that I am one year away from that. I sat by myself and watched the graduation and everyone is cheering and screaming for their family members as they got their diplomas. I started thinking ahead to my graduation; I am not feeling the excitement that I should for it. It's a great achievement, but it doesn't feel like that. It just feels ordinary. ::sighs:: I am sure my family will come… it's just… I don't know… I wish I were sharing this achievement with someone. I wish there was someone to get excited with about getting a new job and maybe moving, starting a new and hopefully exciting chapter in my life. But there isn't. I am definitely transitioning out of being a 'full time parent' into a single person.

::sighs:: I don't know. Big career was never on my agenda; I am not even sure what this part of my life is going to look like. I guess I am going to look for a job that has me travel. At least, perhaps, I can see some of the world. Traveling shouldn't be a problem. There isn't anyone at home that is going to wish I'd stay home more, or anything. I should be really excited about this, but it just looks lonely to me.

I have twenty more pretty productive years left in me, though probably at least 30 more years of working. I don't have high aspirations, I just want to make enough money that I when I die I don't leave debt as my legacy to my children. I don't expect to leave them much materially, as I don't imagine I'll have much, but it would be nice to know that I paid off everything I'd bought in my life, and was able to support myself until I died.

I'm in a sad mood again today. I've been in a sad mood for a number of days now. I am sure its being facilitated by my grandma and aunt's deaths. Plenty of time spent thinking on life and death, perhaps too much. I am really feeling pretty lonely. I need to put that aside and not think about it, but I am becoming more and more aware of the fact that I don't WANT to be alone anymore.

L was asking me whatever happened to Mark. I told her he just doesn't try enough. He isn't really THAT interested or he'd try to make things happen. I am not going to 'make' stuff happen in a relationship. I'll go out there, but if they don't meet me half way I give up. So that has just slipped away… which is fine. I'm interested in this other guy at work that I mentioned before, Phil. No idea at all if he is available to be interested, but at least he enjoys visiting with me. He plays the guitar and is in a band. I am going to go to Cripple Creek to watch his gig there next Saturday night. Eventually I'll figure out if he is interested at all in me…

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