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May 06, 2005 - Friday, 11:57 p.m.

This week, however, he was down to see me almost every day� we worked on his project and spent a lot of time just visiting about a wide array of stuff� very little of it work related. I was reminded again of the reason I�d found him interesting all those years ago. We have a number of things in common, and he�s interesting to talk to. He�s intelligent and interesting. I then recalled why I�d put him aside. He seems to be a cross between my college sweetheart and my x-husband. It isn�t that his personality it that much like theirs� but he looks a lot like both of them and he�s a engineer (which Lee was) and drives a motor cycle (like Lee did)� I decided then that perhaps it was a replacement thing� however, ten years later, I am sure he�d never be. It isn�t like anything would ever move beyond a few hour visits in my cubicle.

We eventually drifted to music. He is the person that got me interested in Jazz. He suggested some good artists and, unknown to him; I promptly went out and bought CD�s by those artists. It was the basis of my Jazz collection. I found I really liked the artists that he�d suggested and listened to those CD�s a lot. So somewhere in my mind I recalled that he enjoyed music. He quickly told me that he was a musician and that it was something he did for enjoyment and his sanity. He mentioned to me yesterday that he�s playing in a band and jamming at some places during the week when he has a chance. He told me the places and days and that the band he�s in has a gig in Cripple Creek at the end of the month.

For some reason that whole scene sounds intriguing and I believe that I will take myself to a couple of those jam sessions and watch� and I told him to let me know when and where for the gig in Cripple Creek. For sure I�d get myself up there for that.

I am feeling very restless and static at the moment. I want some activity, some feeling that I am reaching out into the world. I want to interface with some people and get out in the world. This, of course, is a HUGE step for me, but I�ve been making baby-steps in that direction for a while now. This guy is actually interesting, and is intelligent and has some artistic outlets� a nice balance of analytical and artistic. Perhaps there is nothing even there in that direction, I don�t know that it really matters. I�m not doing this specifically to get to know him. I�m doing it for me� expanding my horizons. For all I know he�s got a girlfriend and everything� at this point I just want to have something that I want to do�

I�m spending too much time thinking about death� and that visual of graveyards filled with people lying peacefully in coffins, in their Sunday best, under six feet of dirt is giving me the creeps. It�s giving me a suffocating feeling. I just want to dance and be hugged and kissed. I want to feel alive, really alive.