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May 06, 2005 - Friday, 11:57 p.m.

I'm alive... I want to feel that way...

It’s funny how people pop up in your life. People you haven’t seen or talked to in a long time and then… poof… there they are. There is a guy that has worked at my company for a long time, and used to work in a job where he worked with me often. Then about five to seven years ago he shifted to another job and I didn’t see him for quite a while. Then I saw him again at the Christmas Party this year, and the thought that went through my mind was, “Oh ya… I was kinda interested in him once upon a time…” I talked to him a little and then didn’t really run into him very much. Every now and then he’d come by and see my boss, but that was about it.

This week, however, he was down to see me almost every day… we worked on his project and spent a lot of time just visiting about a wide array of stuff… very little of it work related. I was reminded again of the reason I’d found him interesting all those years ago. We have a number of things in common, and he’s interesting to talk to. He’s intelligent and interesting. I then recalled why I’d put him aside. He seems to be a cross between my college sweetheart and my x-husband. It isn’t that his personality it that much like theirs… but he looks a lot like both of them and he’s a engineer (which Lee was) and drives a motor cycle (like Lee did)… I decided then that perhaps it was a replacement thing… however, ten years later, I am sure he’d never be. It isn’t like anything would ever move beyond a few hour visits in my cubicle.

We eventually drifted to music. He is the person that got me interested in Jazz. He suggested some good artists and, unknown to him; I promptly went out and bought CD’s by those artists. It was the basis of my Jazz collection. I found I really liked the artists that he’d suggested and listened to those CD’s a lot. So somewhere in my mind I recalled that he enjoyed music. He quickly told me that he was a musician and that it was something he did for enjoyment and his sanity. He mentioned to me yesterday that he’s playing in a band and jamming at some places during the week when he has a chance. He told me the places and days and that the band he’s in has a gig in Cripple Creek at the end of the month.

For some reason that whole scene sounds intriguing and I believe that I will take myself to a couple of those jam sessions and watch… and I told him to let me know when and where for the gig in Cripple Creek. For sure I’d get myself up there for that.

I am feeling very restless and static at the moment. I want some activity, some feeling that I am reaching out into the world. I want to interface with some people and get out in the world. This, of course, is a HUGE step for me, but I’ve been making baby-steps in that direction for a while now. This guy is actually interesting, and is intelligent and has some artistic outlets… a nice balance of analytical and artistic. Perhaps there is nothing even there in that direction, I don’t know that it really matters. I’m not doing this specifically to get to know him. I’m doing it for me… expanding my horizons. For all I know he’s got a girlfriend and everything… at this point I just want to have something that I want to do…

I’m spending too much time thinking about death… and that visual of graveyards filled with people lying peacefully in coffins, in their Sunday best, under six feet of dirt is giving me the creeps. It’s giving me a suffocating feeling. I just want to dance and be hugged and kissed. I want to feel alive, really alive.

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