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April 22, 2005 - Friday, 6:20 p.m.
I am far more distracted then I thought I'd be today. I can hardly concentrate on work. I think perhaps I'll leave early today. A little vacation time won't hurt me. Or time without pay. I don't care really.
I don't know how I feel. I am not heartbroken. A piece of me is happy for Grandma. The last few years her spirit has been constrained by a body and mind that wouldn't perform for her like it had all of her life. She's free now. The spirit whole, complete and clear. She's home again. Grandpa is there waiting with open arms, her sisters, parents, and children. Such joy. Another piece of me is very sad. The passage of time is hard to take some days. Babies grow up so very fast, life flies by so quickly. The mirror is having me find age settling softly upon my features. Everyone is getting older. So much to do in life, so much we hope to accomplish. As the years go by it becomes clearer that all the dreams and hopes can't possibly come true or be accomplished... too little time.
It's a reminder of our mortality. A reminder that a day will come when I am sitting at a bedside and it's MY mother or father. A time I don't want to have come to pass, and yet I know will. I also realize that one day it'll be me in that bed with my boys at my bedside. It's the rhythm that is our life. It's a reminder that I need to be sure to accomplish the important things in life.
I did leave work early and came home. I thought about taking a nap, but ended up paying bills. GAH!! Glad to have it done however...
It looks like rain... some rain would be nice... my mind is full of many thoughts... but none are spilling out at the moment. Perhaps in the middle of the night.
We'll leave for North Dakota mid-day tomorrow... I'll be a passenger... plenty of time to contemplate life... and a laptop to type on. Thoughts will be flying...
Perhaps I'll be back later tonight....