Spike on the River
Neal in Antarctica
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January 17, 2005 - Monday, 11:29 a.m.
I am a sister. I am a mother. I am a true friend. I am kind, loving, responsible and thoughtful. I am hard working, dedicated, trusting and loyal.
I love life. I love my family. I am sensitive and easily hurt. I am strong, powerful, vulnerable and sometimes powerless. I would climb the highest mountain and do whatever it takes to take care of those who I let touch my life. I let many touch my life, and I am as open as I can be. I am honest, but sometimes keep things to myself. I am afraid of being hurt and yet I am willing to walk out there and hope.
I think I often stand in the martyrís role, that I am often quiet about those things that I often donít speak it but often feel it. Like it is something that I must do to have worth. I love the people in my life, but often fear that if I wasnít there for them, that they wouldnít be there for me. I guess I often donít feel that Iíd be worthwhile without it.
Itís sad to think that though I know I have a huge capacity that I often doubt that other people recognize it. I love nothing better the to do something within my power that makes someone elseís life a little better. I do that in everything I do, from my job, to my family and friends. I have learned how to do things for myself, but I havenít let anything go. I still tend to do everything.
I have spent my adult life trying to be everything that both of my parents are. Iíve been on my own a long time and I must MUST be the best Mom I am capable of. I need to be able to nurture and help my children to become everything that they can be. As a matter of fact I need to do that for every person in my life that I care about. On top of that I have to keep a beautiful home that is always clean Ė and welcoming Ė a home. And on top of that I need to be an outstanding employee that works always above and beyond. I need to be a good provider and need to do whatever I can to make that happen. Embrace education, career, and the world of business.
I am a juggler. I constantly have a dozen balls in the air, but as we all know no one can really juggle that many things. So one or two are always on the ground, and it always seems to be the important ones. If I stoop to pick one up, another will surely go down. Iím tired Ė but I donít know what else to do. Juggle Ė and be everyone Ė juggle Ė and be the best of everyone I admire.
No matter how much my head tells me that isnít possible, my heart tells me I must, I must Ė and what will happen if I donít? Ė The fabric of my life will unravel completely.
No matter how unreasonable I know it is for me to expect to be everything that my kids deserve Ė I canít let it go. I know I canít be two people, nor can I really do justice to both roles, I choose to do it.