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January 04, 2005 - Tuesday, 12:15 p.m.
Last night I finished up the grouting and hoped to go to bed early. I got done with the grouting in about 1 ˝ to 2 hours, but couldn’t relax enough to go to sleep. Spent a little time castigating myself for being hopeful, and finally fell asleep around midnight. Woke up this morning and decided to get breakfast and see what he had to say.
After the ‘good morning’ pleasantries he said ‘You hate me’. WTF, I thought, and merely blinked in disbelief. ‘Ah…no… ‘ He mumbled something about stuff exploding and someone being demanding. I continued, “but you could have called… that day… or the next… or the NEXT…” He didn’t really explain much more, but asked if I was going to have a busy day, and I said no. He asked to call and explain, even if I might not want to hear it. I said yes. So… the morning has passed so I expect he’ll call after his workday. We will see.
I’ve spent a lot of mental time this morning thinking about this whole thing. I really think that, like I said before, he has problems with gauging what he can or can’t do in a said period of time. He’s not good at saying no to anyone, and ends up doing a lot of stuff he doesn’t enjoy. He does work for a lot of unreasonable people and I think perhaps he feels he owes them something. Not sure. He seems to operate in a world where the guy that throws the biggest fit gets the help. Not terribly fair. I can tell you for sure that will never be me, so there is no point in him agreeing to do work for me if anyone else that shows up yelling will get the service first. I know that I can be relied upon to do what I say, that I put things aside that I want to do to make sure I keep the promises I make. I can understand that things come up, but if they come up EVERY time then there are other problems at play that need to be dealt with.
In reality, I don’t need help. I’d like some help, but I don’t need it. He needs some help that I can provide. It isn’t physical help, but help with dealing with stuff. These people that he does work for and are scattered all over his life are a problem. One he’s going to have to deal with. This type of interaction is going to affect the kids. These people have to be pulling him away from the kids as much as other projects. He is going to have to figure out a way to ‘stop the madness’.
Perhaps ‘the meant to meet’ part of our relationship is that he needs my help and maybe nothing else. I am a rock, an anchor, steady as they come. You can’t walk on me too long before I disappear. I know how to say no. He needs a little of my insight. There are people I let get away with a lot, that I bend over backwards for over and over again, but I am getting something from those relationships, and I am picky about who gets to stand in that shadow. Wonder if I’ll get a chance to give some of my thoughts to him? I honestly have nothing to lose by being straight with him. That is my intention as soon as he calls. I’ll walk out of here and go sit in my car so I can say what’s on my mind.
Bottom line, if I can’t depend upon him to do what he says, there is no basis for a friendship. I don’t expect him to agree to do any or everything, but I expect that he’ll think hard before he agrees to do something for me. I have a lot of dependable people in my life, and I am the dependable person in a lot of other people’s lives. I don’t need someone that can’t be dependable.
Again… here’s hoping I get to say all that is on my mind.