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December 20, 2004 - Monday, 3:12 p.m.

Wind in the Chimes

The wind came up last night. I could hear my wind chime singing outside my bedroom window. I love hearing it. I don’t mind the wind either, unless I am trying to do something outside and it’s making me cold or getting stuff in my face. I wanted to go to sleep early, I was tired, but I couldn’t unwind enough to fall asleep. Eventually I did fall asleep and then woke up a number of times during the night. I kept looking for Venus, knowing she’d let me know when dawn was approaching. I finally crawled out of bed about 6:30, and she twinkled above the neighbors’ roof in the eastern sky.

I contemplated skipping breakfast, but decided I wanted to see Mark. He was back to normal. I’m glad, it really felt good. Balance has returned. He was much more relaxed today. He apologized for not calling me back this weekend. He told me he hid all weekend. Didn’t do any work for anyone, but went and did his Christmas shopping for the kids. He realized last week that it was really stressing him out. He’d tried to get some time off from work, but his boss wouldn’t give him any time, which really irritated him.

Then at lunch there was no crowd at all and it was just smiles and eye contact and talking about nothing in particular… it was just me there for the first 5 minutes or so, and then people started to arrive. One day I’ll hold that face in my hands. I think of that often when I am talking to him. I know that sounds silly, but it flashes through my mind often, and I’m not sure why. It’s in a calming and focused way… I don’t know why or where it is coming from.

I think he took a step back this weekend. He decided he wasn't concentrating on the kids enough (which is a REALLY safe place for him)... many step into the shadow of their kids and use it as a reason to never go into a relationship... not that he's doing that... but it's a safe fall back position. I am sure he wonders if it’s just about ‘the work’ with me, but am pretty sure he has a good inkling that it isn't. He saw enough of my work to know that I COULD have done it myself... so if he thinks its just about the work he's running from the idea of what it might be... plus he knows I sat out there the WHOLE time he was at my house, talked to him and watched him work... if it was just about the work I would have disappeared once he got going on it. Na… he's just nervous I think... only fair, I was nervous too… I still am.

I was talking to L about my day and all that transpired, and she said, “It will work out. I am sure of it. You both seem like a good match. I have this feeling…something is going to come of it… I guess that is why it is easy for me to be positive about it all and giving him the benefit of the doubt. Ya know?” I’ve decided that in reality I do believe there is potential so I’ll wait patiently and believe in the possibilities and keep an open and positive mind. This, of course, makes L very happy. It feels right and comfortable, so here we go.

As we wind into the afternoon, I find that I am tired, and ready for a nap. I’m hoping the living room will be picked up when I get home and that Dad was able to fix the sink in the bathroom. I do believe that I’ll lie down as soon as I get home, hopefully that’ll help.

It’s a quiet day today at work. I’m trying to let all the documentation clear out of the queue so I can start the next wave. This will be a light week at work as people start their vacations early and the plant will clear more each day.

Later… M.

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