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September 15, 2004 - Wednesday, 1:15 p.m.

Weather Junkie

What's up?!? I don't know for sure… definitely struggling with depression. Fading in and out of a dark space... I'm probably just not handling all the change and stress in my life very well. Most of my dark stuff is just me looking at everything with severe pessimism... the inability to concentrate on the good things and only being able to see all the bad things that could happen... most disturbing is seeing that with my boys... it is a huge drain on me... it totally whacks out my empathy in that I am in a mode of absorbing negativity and not sharing it as it is just a shadow, it's not real... but it depresses me immensely. Like... if something bad COULD happen it pops into my mind and it makes me sad and ache at the possibilities... it's draining... I know that there is possibility and good things in store for my kids and I hate that I think of the things that could go wrong... on the other hand I have a VERY hard time seeing good things for myself... and that feels real. I often think... why bother doing ANY of this stuff... the road ahead often looks dark and hopeless...

::whimpers::

Ivan should make landfall about 2 am tonight... Jeanne should get to hurricane status in the next 24 to 48 hours.... I'm a weather junkie... I watch the weather channel almost non-stop now... I get home at night... sit on my bed and watch the weather channel... Local on the 8's... Hurricane Storm Coverage... storm stories... extreme weather.... then... "Harry Potter" until I fall asleep... I wake up in the middle of the night... usually about 1-2 am... watch the Weather Channel until I get my update... then "Harry Potter" again.... repeats again about 5 am.... I set the TV to turn off in 90 minutes when I first go to sleep... then 30 minute for the next two times....

Struggling with a lot of stuff.... Struggling internally with what I want... where I want to go... do... what I am… believe... just everything....

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