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September 12, 2004 - Sunday, 6:05 p.m.
I decided I was tired of sitting on the bed and unplugged the lap top and have gone outside to sit. It’s cloudy. The sun is peaking through the clouds, but it looks like it might ponder raining. It’s too warm for me. Hit 92 today... and is still 88 degrees F. The wind is blowing and the chimes singing. The train is going through town, it’s horn blaring, and the air rumbling with the sound of the wheels on the track. The boys are gone. They’ve gone over to their dad’s to watch the football game tonight. The house is empty and quiet. The cats are curled up in the shade of the car. It’s nice, and yet it is a sign of things to come, just me and the cats. GAH!!! Drove to Denver and back this morning for a committee meeting, it was a somewhat frustrating meeting. Left me pondering as I drove home. Spent a lot of time just thinking about what I believe and what my priorities are and what I want them to be. Thinking about my beliefs, my career aspirations, just plain old life aspirations...
One of the things I was thinking about is the whole pagan, witchcraft, paranormal thing. I think many of us find it interesting. I know I do. But I am not attracted to it as a belief system. Do I believe in the powers of the physical world? Yes. Do I believe that there are people who can manipulate the world of matter? Yes. Do I believe in ghosts and spirits? Yes. Do I believe there are people who see and/or talk to ghosts or spirits? Yes. Do I believe that there are things about the world of matter that I don't understand? Definitely. Do I think that these things are important? No. I think that the mind has incredible power. I think the human being has the capacity for amazing perception. Perception of matter, spirit, feeling, light, energy... Perhaps with enough effort we could learn to control mind over matter. I think some do. I just think that there are more important things in life. I feel that focusing up and outward towards what is beyond us is a better choice then focusing down and inward on the earth and matter. The world of matter is a distraction for the most part.
Of late I have been thinking about the spirit or the soul of a person. I’ve thought, what would it look like if you could strip away the physical and could only see the spiritual? I think about the spirit like a fragile faerie made of light. It has wings and can take flight. I think as we sleep this fragile spirit can travel and interact with others, as though in dreams. It houses all of our consciousness, it is who and what we are, and it is what goes beyond this plane of existence. It contains every memory and every connection to every one and thing we have ever loved. It is that part of us that exists for all eternity. You can enrich it with knowledge, and strengthen it with love and prayer. I believe that we nourish our soul by prayer and good deeds. And if we would do this I think that this being of light, which is our very essence, glows bright and attracts others. I think perhaps many of us would find that our ‘faerie’ is dim and emaciated, starving for spiritual sustenance. I would hope that mine is not emaciated. But I worry about just that.
I think that this pursuit of spirituality should be a priority in my life, but I often don’t act upon that. How do I divvy up my time? Where are my priorities? I work. I go to school. The rest of my time I covet. It’s MY time. I want to do what I want to do. In all fairness I have to say that I am tired and stressed a lot, and often my spare time is spent trying to relax and rest. Often the darkness engulfs me. Darkness… hopeless thoughts, worries, imagining the worst… I am not sure where it comes from or why it overcomes me. I often think if I could just take care of myself spiritually then much of the darkness would fade away.
I look at why I am going to school. Is it really all about making more money? I find that this thought bothers me a great deal. It bothers me that I think about finances at all. However on the other hand I am tired of struggling. It feels like all of my life has been about surviving… at least my adult life. I am bothered that I don’t have a ‘passion’ about anything. I don’t have grand career aspirations, though I am working on my MBA. I don’t want to be or have anything ‘more then anything in the world’, unless perhaps it is stability. I don’t have a great desire to have a beautiful, expensive home or car. I am not attached to beautiful clothing and jewelry. I don’t want to be powerful. I want the satisfaction of doing a job well and being appreciated and compensated for that job. I don’t mind working hard.
In my Transforming Technology class we’ve talked about motivation, and what motivates. We’ve talked about hygiene factors; these are the basic survival type things, like food and shelter, or whatever we might perceive as ‘basic’. As humans, until these things are satisfied, we are driven by them. Once satisfied, we then move on to other motivators. We are never really completely satisfied; we just shift to different types of motivation. It is my desire to be motivated simply by a desire to produce something I am proud of… I don’t want to be motivated by the financial side of it. However, often that is a motivator. I can sit and tell you that I enjoy my job, that I like what I do and who I work with. However I struggle with knowing that I will struggle financially in this position always. I hate that I will need to move on to something else, and yet the thought of doing something more meaningful and appreciated is attractive. The thought that perhaps every day I would not have to wonder how I’ll make it from here to end of my life with out being a burden to someone is comforting. That is a driving force in my life right now. The desire to put the cost of raising three boys by myself behind me instead of it pursuing me everyday via the mailbox and telephone is overwhelming. In the process I’d like to help as many people as I can by making their working life more enjoyable and fulfilling. Perhaps that is idealistic, but it is what I hope.
I’m tired… and need to unwind somehow. I’ve got a headache…