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August 28, 2004 - Saturday, 6:28 p.m.

August Draws to an End...

There is a definite feeling of autumn in the air, and still it's August. The sun is shining and it looks pretty nice out. It was very cold last night (41 degrees F). There was snow on the Peak this morning. It's still cool out… only made it to the mid 60's today. This is one of those days when I wish I could write something profound. I wish I could come up with a way to creatively express myself that would feel fulfilling.

I just got through the first 8 hours of one of my classes for this semester, only 3 more weekends to go. This is the seminar type class that is running for 4 weeks. The professor is interesting to listen to and the class goes by quickly. There is a lot of information to absorb and lots to read before next weekend. I have so much to read, and yet somehow can't seem to talk myself into opening the books.

This class is interesting... "Transforming Technology Organizations and Employees” This class truly feels like a business class. There is this feeling in the air that you should be looking to pursue being an entrepreneur. This man has made a lot of money... his quote from his father "Money is the scorecard of Life" and he seems to hold it near and dear to his heart. I don't know that I believe that. I know I don't. But I do understand what he is talking about. Heck, I am first to admit that a big part of going out and pursuing my MBA is to make more money... but it isn't the only thing in my mind. I'm not sure I am cut out for the cut throat arena of business. ::sighs:: I want to make a difference. I want to be successful and be compensated well for doing a job well. I need to partner up with a shaker and a mover. I am level headed and good at seeing the big picture, but I am not going to be front and center. I like being a doer. I’d love to be partnered with someone that is going to appreciate my strengths and pay me well, and they can have all the lime light. I am not clear yet on how this is all going to look for me in the area of employment when I get done with this degree.

It’s a good thing that I started the MBA program to get a degree and not with any real hopes of finding a relationship. The pickings are slim. Truly they are all either very young or married OR BOTH. Really, I don’t have issues with age, I just always feel like most of these young guys are going to want a family once they marry, and I am pretty sure that I am done with all that. It’s frustrating to feel like I want to be married and yet the desire to go through all the crap you have to go through to get from here to there just feels overwhelming. I am so damn picky! I don’t just want anyone. I’d like it to be someone that is smart… but more then that. I want them to know how to have fun, to be able to make me laugh, someone to help me feel alive. I want them to be adventurous. I’d like to do so many things, but I am frankly pretty timid about going out there in the world. I’d prefer that they liked to maintain their faculties. In other words, not use drugs, and not drink much. (I can handle the alcohol use within reason, but I can’t handle the drug use.) Mostly it just feels overwhelming to contemplate… the whole looking, weighing and finding feels nearly impossible to accomplish. Gah!! Family, Spirituality, open-minded, someone I admire and can look up to. I don’t want to have to look… I just want to find… poof… not likely.

I can look at like… Dan… I admire him. I am impressed by his work ethic. I like how his mind works. I enjoy his sense of humor and his company. I also find him very attractive. But I don’t know anything about what he really thinks about spirituality or family or how he sees the world. I know that he is pretty turned off by religion as he was brought up mostly by a grandmother that was, I believe, a Jehovah Witness. No birthdays, etc… HOWEVER, what I do know is that he is in a long term relationship, so that immediately takes him out of the running in my mind, never mind that he is only 26 years old!! If I look out at all the men that I know (not taking into account that most are married), and working in an engineering world, there are a lot of men; most of them that I know don’t spark much interest. Many of them are nice and all, but there just are things that would never work. There are a few that I find very attractive, but that’s about the end of it. There isn’t a one that I really could say (and believe) “if only they weren’t married then…” The other half of the men that I am around are young… like somewhere between my age and my kids age (often much closer to my boys’ ages). What is the likelihood that I am going to run into anyone that fits the bill? It doesn’t seem very likely.

I feel a desire to do SOMETHING…I've checked the internet for movies playing locally and nothing catches my fancy. I feel so very restless. I believe L and I will go out and get a bite to eat… and then I’ll call it a night some time later…

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