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August 2, 2004 - Monday, 9:00 p.m.

South Twin Lake

Sunday, August 1, 2004

AhÖ the lake. Nothing better. Has been a quiet day. I slept in until about 10:30 am. Read some and wandered around some. The weather was nice yesterday Ė and again today.

There are dozens of people here. It is still the weekend, so many here for the day. Good chance it will have cleared out considerably by tomorrow.

There is something really nice about the lake. Itís green and really peaceful.

Monday, August 02, 2004

This morning I slept until about 9:30. I even went to bed at a decent time last night. Just so nice to be able to sleep in if that is what I want to do.

Iíd really like to spend some time just clearing out my mind this week. It seems that there has been so much in it and no time to clear it. Itís nice to have accounting done. Ack, I hope I got a decent grade in there, but not going to worry about that this week.

This week reminds me of how much I love my family. How much I love spending time with them. How different we all are, but still how close we are. Yesterday I sat out in the sun, read a little, held Maleah some. Wandered around with my mother and visited people. I played a little Pounce, and a game of Scrabble. I sat down by the lake with Maleah sleeping in my arms and eating seeds with Lynn and Char. Megan and I watched a movie before we fell asleep. Actually I feel asleep while the movie was playing. It was a nice day.

Seems Iíve had lingering worry in my mind for weeks. Worry about bills, worry about the boys, just worry. I feel like my finances are just hanging over my head, I try not to think about it. Figuring that somehow it is going to all work out. I donít like it hanging like a dark cloud in my mind.

It is really something to just sit out here and look at the lawn between the cabins and the lake. Truly when I am stressed or having a tough time I can just pull up this vista in my mind and it calms me. I can mentally transport myself here.

I am feeling emotional and weepy. I am sure that it is just hormonal. Iíd like to just be able to let all the clouds blow away here. This morning I really need a shower and perhaps some breakfast.

LaterÖ

This day has slipped away. I got up and showered and then played a game of Scrabble. Becky and Mike were up for the day. I sat and visited with them for a while in Lynn's cabin and then up at Mom and Dadís fifth wheel. I lay down before dinner and took a nap and then had dinner. Played a couple of game of croquet after dinner and just chilling now. Itís coming up on 9 pm already.

Seems like I should NOT be so tired, but I have been. I am already tired again. Phil and Curtis are playing Mahjong with Megan and Michael. Itís cool tonight. There is a nice breeze off the lake, hopefully enough to keep the mosquitoes away.

Hmmm... itís Monday night. Dan and Christine are probably hanging out at Village Inn studying for the final. GoshÖ I am glad to be done with it!

I sure hope the decision to go to graduate school was a good one. Sometimes I worry about finding a good job when I get done. I really need to make more money so I can afford to pay my loansÖ Iíd like to really enjoy my job as well. Iíd like for it to be a challenge. It is quite strange to look out over the next few years. I am trying to picture my life. I am not a workaholic. I donít have a grand desire for this fabulous career. I just want to be making enough money to be able to travel some and to be able afford to retire. Perhaps even a job that has me travel some. My parents have been able to travel some, which is really neat. They went to England and ScotlandÖ Israel and Cyprus. They are going to Nova Scotia this fall, actually in just a couple of weeks. I think it is so great that they are getting the chance to travel like this. I really donít like to think about traveling alone, but really thatís what it looks like from here for me. So perhaps traveling for a job would be best. The future kind of loses it luster when you sit and look at it as doing it all alone, ya know? I donít know how people can look to their golden years with pleasure when they are looking at going through it alone. It is unsettling to some extent to think about myself rattling around alone for the next 40 years. Only about 5 more years and I am basically going to be all by myself. The boys will be will on the way to their own lives. Iíll be done with my degree and looking at my career. I sure hope I can find something that I really like and enjoy.

Dear God. I really donít want to do it alone. But I am almost as afraid of a bad relationship as I am of being alone. WellÖ afraid isnít the right word. Iím not really Ďafraidí of being alone. Itís the thought of being alone for the next 40 years that is daunting. My sistersí lives will become busier with their own families. The knowledge that I am going to have to go through some tough times alone isnít comforting at all.

It would seem that I was right. Twenty two years ago I was pretty sure that no body would EVER want to be with me. It seemed that Gary was the only one that was even a little interestedÖ and I married him and had three wonderful kids. We divorced 14 years ago and still no one has wanted me since. Most people spend the majority of their life in a relationship of some sort. Maybe multiple marriages, but usually only a small part of their life is spent alone. HmmmÖ out of 44 years Iíve only been in a relationship for about 12 years of it... 2 with Lee and 10 with Gary. The other 32 yearsÖ alone. Boy, that wasnít anything like the plan. My dream was Iíd find someone that loved me so much and weíd be together forever. Guess itís not to be, and that is terribly disappointing. Itís not getting better. The men that I run into in my life are getting younger as I get older. Currently the only guys around are in their 20ísÖ they are at the beginning of their lives looking to start families and suchÖ not too likely any of them are going to want a pre-menopausal woman with 20-something year old kids. Eep!

I listen to my sistersí spar with their husbands. I wouldnít enjoy that. Sometimes what is said is just a little too mean for me. Iíd not like to be on the giving OR receiving end of it. I just wanted someone that understands me and it kind to meÖ and vice versa. Someone that is going to back me up, that I can back up; someone that I believe in and am proud of. Someone I WANT to spend time with, that wants to spend time with me. It seems like that shouldnít be too much to ask, but it would seem that it is.

YupÖ just drifting in to a depressive state, may as well watch some Voyager. Go to that make believe world where I can pretend it isnít so bad.

M.

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