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July 20, 2004 - Tuesday, 10:35 a.m.

Dreams, so they say...

I’ve had many bizarre dreams lately. Did I mention that? I recall last nights’ dream... and it reminded me of a few others.... Been dreaming about Gary a lot. Last night I dreamed that I was at a party at my parents’… lots of people there. We were concerned about where we'd parked. Some concern about the car being hit. I kept losing clothes (or perhaps more precisely I kept taking them off) and I kept trying to find a place to be alone with G. It would flip flop between my parents’ house and then like a camp or lake cabins... still we could never find any place to be alone. Finally went up to a room in my parents house... but it was a new house where I had a room of my own (with my kids) for when I visited. The room was a disaster, stuff all over the floor, toys, clothes, etc. However the clothes in the draws were my kids and very big... and (as usual, in these dreams, I was looking for something to wear). Then I was thinking I'd just close and lock the doors and drop the mini-blinds on the windows (and there were windows that faced out side and into the hallway) and we could be alone. The blinds weren't working right and then I couldn't get the door to close and lock, it didn't fit in the door frame and the dresser fell apart and it was like the room was ready to collapse and everything in it was falling apart. We decided we'd have to leave.

Every time we'd find a spot to be alone someone would show up... like Lynn who showed up a couple times at a couple different places... and always it would be like everyone knew what was 'going' to happen and they just interrupted and always me in some state of undress. I'd feel exposed and vulnerable and everyone there would just like ignore everything... almost like they didn't notice that I was practically naked and about to have sex. They'd just start talk to me. In some of my dreams we’d actually be beginning to have sex and these people would walk into the room and start talking to us. “Hi, how are you!” Totally ignoring what was going on. Talk about embarrassing!

This has been a repeating theme in my dreams for about two or three weeks. In my dreams, on some level, everyone seems to be okay with me being with G., even my kids, however there is NEVER a time when I am alone with him for long enough for ANYTHING to happen.

In my mind clothing is significant... and not having clothing has to do with feeling exposed and vulnerable... but I can't remember the exact interpretation... am sure there is lots of stuff in these dreams to interpret. Am sure you can see that these dreams alone could agitate me... or make me feel adrift... am sure that they aren't helping to make it better.

The dreams are actually very complex and so much going on in them that I haven't really talked about everything. Some of it I can't remember exactly... all the tons and tons of 'places' that are very vivid in my mind, but I've never been in real life... some that I have visited many times only in dreams... How about what I was wearing... or so many, many details... am I forgetting significant stuff... yes... I am sure I am... what was my family talking to me about... do I recall the expression on their faces or how I reacted or what I thought they thought... see these things have faded... but I know in my dream I knew... nobody was 'stopping' me or telling me to stop... sometimes there was perhaps a hint of disapproval, but nothing said. Mostly they were just THERE. Perhaps it just has to do with the fact that they ARE always there... even if not physically... you know... what they think or what I THINK they'll think... coloring my decisions. In reality, how they react in my dreams is how their opinions are in my mind. They aren't REALLY there interacting with me... I am assuming or extrapolating what they'll think... but in my mind... they don't have the power to tell me what to do because they are only my thoughts... they aren't really there.

Much of my dream was embarrassing... you know? In a way my dreams are manifesting the role that my family plays in my life. Not them physically, but how they are in my mind, always present... they are there often 'in the way' in my head, but not really giving me direction, because a) I don't ask for it and b) because they aren't really there and my mind just figures out what I'd think they'd think and then I try to apply it. In my dream... I just wanted them to go away so I could do what I wanted to do without judgment... GAH!! That's revealing.... not that my family judges me, but I judge myself constantly often with the thought of what they’d think.

It’s all very overwhelming...

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