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July 17, 2004 - Saturday, 3:43 p.m.
I have been in strange place for the last few weeks. I am having a hard time focusing on anything. I feel unsettled about work, school, my friends, my family... feeling completely and utterly alone. I feel disassociated from everything... like I am just floating in a vast sea of nothingness. No land on the horizon, barely a cloud in the sky. No sounds of birds or life, just the lapping of the water against the boat and the wind whistling though the nothingness. Over the last ten years my siblings have slipped into world's of their own where life is keeping them busy, their jobs, spending time with their spouses and kids, their friends... life in general... these things take up time and my place is very small in their lives as would be expected. Of recent I have realized that this is happening to my kids, they are slipping into their own lives as well... working on their aspirations, their relationships and getting out into the world... really this happens to everyone... friends, co-workers, the checker at the grocery store... everyone engulfed in their own lives. Really I guess I am as well. School, work... these both take up lots of time. However without a spouse I am most definitely feeling that vast aloneness that is a huge part of life. Life where really we are sitting alone in the middle of the sea, adrift and alone on some level. Some how there is this great yearning to not be alone, and here I am. Am I struggling with my kids growing up and leaving home? Perhaps... I am not as distressed about them going out into the world, as I am about me being left here alone... an afterthought. Truely I believe I should be an afterthought in their life, I should not and would not want to be central in their minds... I would hope that their wives and children would take that place... and that I would be a thought in the back of their mind some days... and not someone they worry about or think about daily... ya know?
I think I am just distressed with knowing that is all I will be.. period. No one to contemplate what to make for dinner with, or what movie to watch tonight. Or where to go on vacation. Or what to do this afternoon. The sure knowledge and/or realization that within a couple years I'll come home to an empty house every night. I realize that there are lots of people who go home to empty houses every night... and perhaps it bothers some and doesn't bother others at all. It's going to bother me.
That I don't have this huge pool of friends doesn't help. I am so very slow to make friends. I am friendly, but it takes me a long time to feel close to a friend and often they, like everyone else, are consummed in their own lives. Now, I suppose, this wouldn't be an issue if I had say 50 friends... but it's more like one or two and there are many times when I have time to do things and they don't. Honestly, I currently don't have tons of time. Between work and school it seems like most of the moments of my day are taken up.
I sit and look over the rest of my life. Then next couple years busy in grad school, after that another twenty years in a new career... after that hopes of seeing the world and enjoying life before I die. I can do the grad school alone... or thank God, like I am with a co-worker and the new group of people in my life that I am taking classes with. A new career will be spent most likely interfacing with new people. I'd hope I could travel some during those twenty years, but I really dislike thinking about traveling alone. I really don't want to do the next forty or fifty years of my life alone. I don't want to come home from work every night and have no one to talk to, no one to share dinner with or share thoughts about my next vacation with.
This is all making me feel very isolated, and I am sure that I am exacerbating it. I am creating this isolation area around me... it started with someone getting mad at me for not wanting to do something with them and has exploded to a place where I am not feeling like doing anything with anyone on some level and on another level feeling very alone. Like I am crawling into a hole so I'll be left alone, but also realizing that being all alone will kill me. I dream about relationships at night. Dreams of doing things with people, of being loved and of people being so glad to see me and be with me. But I find so few echoes in reality... and if I think about Maureen I feel like a worthless, whining piece of crap because I think she probably has felt that way for most of her life... and I think I should just sit up and shut up. Face it, accept it and go on.
I wonder if Grandma B felt that way. Loved and yet so very alone, for so very long.... When I got divorced at 31 I thought about her losing her husband at 37 years old and being alone until she died at 82 and thought... oh my God... how did she do it? And shutting my mind off from the thought that I could be alone for 40 years too. It was overwhelming to think about... but here... look 13 years already... GAH! I am wallowing terribly...