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July 07, 2004 - Wednesday, 3:27 a.m.


I can't sleep. Well... I did sleep for a little while, a few hours. But woke up coughing and now can't seem to fall asleep again. My mind is running, tripping, snagging. Monday night I had strange dreams that did not leave me feeling very rested. Tonight... no strange dreams... just sad thoughts that I can not seem to purge from my mind.

Has been a number of weeks since the weekend that ended up badly with my friend. We've not really talked much since. She did get done being mad at me, after about a week. I guess I was never really mad myself, but just hurt. It doesn't seem to be healing very fast. I am somehow having a very hard time with her being mad at me for so long, not being someone that can hold onto anger myself for very long. Honestly I am not feeling anger, but more like apathy. I am somehow unable to shake the feeling that she has been seeing our friendship as a series of events that only I wanted to do, and that she'd graciously decided to go along with. That for once she'd wanted to do something, and I wouldn't do it. In my head I know that I am most likely projecting something into the words, but I truely can't seem to shake it. The words, 'would you like to go see a movie' stick in my throat.... the words that are 'would you like to do anything' stick in my throat. Why?

I still feel hurt. Do I enjoy her company and visiting with her? Yes. What is keeping from picking up the pieces and moving forward? The friendship always just felt smooth. Though we were so very different it always felt like we could talk and enjoyed each others company. It now feels like it is my responsibility to fix the friendship. It isn't enough that I waited until she was ready to talk to me. It feels like she is waiting for me to start sending email to visit with her during the day. Like I need to do the invitation for an activity. That if I never ask her to do anything again then we never will... and that it will somehow be my fault. Perhaps she feels that if I don't ask then perhaps I don't want to do things with her. Perhaps we are at an impass, where she is waiting for me, and I am waiting for her.

I am sure I am going to make her mad again, and I don't want that aimed at me. Somehow I am just going to disappoint. I feel like I can't say no to activities without making her mad at me. It is easier to do things alone, then to constantly have to face making someone mad. It's fun to have a friend to talk to and do things with. I remember having friends that only would hang out with me if I did stuff that they wanted to do. Every time I asked them to do something that they didn't want to do, they didn't show up. The last time I asked that person to do something which was to go out to a comedy club for my birthday, they didn't show up. I never asked them to do stuff after that. Is that what I am doing with L? Only doing things that I want to do with her and then ditching her if she wants to do something? See... in my mind I am not. In my mind it seems like I've done lots of stuff that I'd easily not do. Did I not want to do it? No.. I wanted to do it, I wanted to spend the time with her. I liked being able to do stuff that she really enjoyed. It just feels like the first time I held my ground about not wanting to do something, she shut me out. I wanted to hang out with her, I just didn't want to do that one activity. Because I didn't, she shut me out for a week. Punishment.

God.. I am tired. Now I just feel leary of it all. It is very easy for me to drift away into solitude. I'm starting to fall asleep as I sit here... and hour has slipped by since I started writing... it's nearly 3:30 am. I need to sleep. I miss her friendship... but continue to shy away from being the focale point of someone's anger for an extended period of time. It's probably all me. It isn't like I have this long line of friends... just passing deep friendships. And having a hard time shaking the feeling that she just see's me as this big effort to be friends with.... ::sighs::

Tired here.. so tired....

Later... M.

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