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July 05, 2004 - Monday, 2:57 p.m.

This is one of those weekends when I am really tired of school and I try to imagine any number of ways I could accomplish the goal that lured me back to school. The promise of financial salvation. I am looking at another good 20 years in a chosen career. Struggling like the last 20 years is not what I have in mind. Would be wonderful to feel accomplished. I can't complain that my job over the last 17 years has been aweful. Actually I've truely enjoyed the work and the interaction with the people that I have interfaced with. It's just the finances. It's... oh... great quote from 'Cheaper By the Dozen'. "Twelve - It's the number of times we zero out our bank account each year to make ends meet." It's THAT!!

I'm getting my MBA. That will make me a candidate for management (with any luck at all). Do I want to be in management? Hmmmm... I know I'd make a good boss. I also know that I have a great strength in the technical. My boss says that I should skip the MBA and get an EE degree (Electrical Engineering). However, I just can't face calculus... and really an MBA will pay better. I hate that much of my motivation is monetary. It makes me crazy. I'm really not that much into money, but I am so tired of worrying about everything. Also, the sure knowledge that in my current position I'll never be able to retire at 65. I don't have nearly enough put away for retirement. It's also frustrating to know that I never was able to put away a cent for college for my kids. Every bit of what I earned over the last 17 years, plus much more then that, has gone to just raise the kids. After 'owning' my house for almost 15 years, I still have a thirty year mortgage, with 30 years left to pay on it... with the sure knowledge that 2 years from now I'll STILL have 30 years to pay.. that makes me about 75 when I pay it off.

GAH!! About every couple of weeks I go through this thought process. Gotta let it go.

Wishing I could write instead. Wouldn't it be lovely to just write a book? A comfy chair in a nice quiet locale, like on a lake or in the mountains. Time to work in the yard or just sit on the porch and watch it rain, or the sun set. Perhaps go for a walk and take some photos. Have a friend stop by now and then where I'd have a chance to sit and visit and ponder life and the world. The opportunity to create an entire world on paper and in my mind. I could spend hours and hours just working at reconstructing my grandma's 100 year life... would love to have time to explore my ancestry as a story...

Oh, it's raining!! I don't seem to tire of the rain. It smells lovely and sounds divine. I really should go make some dinner.... I'll be back later perhaps... M.