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July 05, 2004 - Monday, 2:57 p.m.

Summer in Colorado...

Three day weekends are suppose to be glorious, you know? Somehow, as they approach you are giddy with excitement thinking of all the things you are going to be able to do, that you can't accomplish in a regular two day weekend. However, the third day arrives and somehow you realize that it isn't that much different from the two day varieties, other then your expectations.

This is one of those weekends when I am really tired of school and I try to imagine any number of ways I could accomplish the goal that lured me back to school. The promise of financial salvation. I am looking at another good 20 years in a chosen career. Struggling like the last 20 years is not what I have in mind. Would be wonderful to feel accomplished. I can't complain that my job over the last 17 years has been aweful. Actually I've truely enjoyed the work and the interaction with the people that I have interfaced with. It's just the finances. It's... oh... great quote from 'Cheaper By the Dozen'. "Twelve - It's the number of times we zero out our bank account each year to make ends meet." It's THAT!!

I'm getting my MBA. That will make me a candidate for management (with any luck at all). Do I want to be in management? Hmmmm... I know I'd make a good boss. I also know that I have a great strength in the technical. My boss says that I should skip the MBA and get an EE degree (Electrical Engineering). However, I just can't face calculus... and really an MBA will pay better. I hate that much of my motivation is monetary. It makes me crazy. I'm really not that much into money, but I am so tired of worrying about everything. Also, the sure knowledge that in my current position I'll never be able to retire at 65. I don't have nearly enough put away for retirement. It's also frustrating to know that I never was able to put away a cent for college for my kids. Every bit of what I earned over the last 17 years, plus much more then that, has gone to just raise the kids. After 'owning' my house for almost 15 years, I still have a thirty year mortgage, with 30 years left to pay on it... with the sure knowledge that 2 years from now I'll STILL have 30 years to pay.. that makes me about 75 when I pay it off.

GAH!! About every couple of weeks I go through this thought process. Gotta let it go.

Wishing I could write instead. Wouldn't it be lovely to just write a book? A comfy chair in a nice quiet locale, like on a lake or in the mountains. Time to work in the yard or just sit on the porch and watch it rain, or the sun set. Perhaps go for a walk and take some photos. Have a friend stop by now and then where I'd have a chance to sit and visit and ponder life and the world. The opportunity to create an entire world on paper and in my mind. I could spend hours and hours just working at reconstructing my grandma's 100 year life... would love to have time to explore my ancestry as a story...

Oh, it's raining!! I don't seem to tire of the rain. It smells lovely and sounds divine. I really should go make some dinner.... I'll be back later perhaps... M.

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