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May 12, 2004 - 4:00 p.m.

It seems I have been studying and thinking about school for such a long time that I can hardly stand it. I am sitting at Village Inn. I read through all my notes for my first final for today at 4:30. About two house from now. I�ve been looking at my notes for about 1 � hours this afternoon. As I sit here all I think about is going home, taking a really hot bath (as I am cold) and crawling into bed and sleeping. I am unusually tired this afternoon, perhaps like I haven�t a drop of iron in my blood. Thoughts of the economy over the last decade echo in my mind. Words like Keynesianism, Hayek, Mixed-economies, and Thatcherism bump into each other in my mind as a quite voice - looking for a comfy spot in the sun - tries to be heard.

My world seems to be changing so fast that I can hardly keep up. Whoever said �nothing ever stays the same� sure was right. Justin is getting married two days from now. I am so happy for him. Both he and Moon seems so very happy and excited about the prospects of life. I maintain a positive outlook for them� and for Kyle and Maqui. They are sitting at the precipice of life, and it is all spread out before them. Anything and everything is possible. It�s a breathtaking vista, to sit at that apex. I have high hopes for all the rest of the kids as well. I am hoping that they will all make wise choices in their relationships, and happiness will follow them all the days of their lives.

I think what bothers me the most, is the cynic that seems to cohabitate in my psyche. If wishes could come true and I could only have one, I�d want life to turn out wonderful for my kids. That cynic sees the failures in the world and the failures in my own life, and he says, �See? Things don�t ever turn out the way you planned. Disappointment is out there just waiting to rear its ugly head.� I need to SHOOT that guy!!

I am about to finish my first year in the MBA program. I�ve really done much better then I�d expected, which is a very pleasant surprise! My confidence level seems to waiver all the time. How can one person have so MUCH variation? I swear I have so many moments of great confidence, intertwined with moments of no confidence at all!! School is consuming me. Consuming so much of my �free� time, that I�ve had little time to really concentrate on the changes surrounding me. Philip is slated to go to CSU this fall, he�ll move out and go to college and it�ll never be the same. Justin will be married in two days, and though he�ll be at home, things will be different. Curtis is chomping at the bit to get out there. He wants his drivers� license as soon as possible and then he�ll be out in the world before I know it. The purpose of my daily life has begun to alter incredibly. Moon will take care of Justin, make sure he�s got dinner and his clothes are washed. I can already see that they are a unit, and I am happy. The kids won�t ever need me again like they have for the last 20 years. How does that impact me? I think it impacts me a lot, much more than I am willing to acknowledge at the moment.

It�s a grey day; cloudy, cold and wet. Rain? I love it. Drizzling and depressing as it is, I know it means the flowers in my flower bed will live. I couldn�t stay home and study this afternoon, cuz I knew that I would end up cleaning my room or distracting myself. However, distraction is everywhere!! The dining area at Village Inn has cleared. I guess no one is hungry at 3:06 pm. I am writing my thoughts and thinking about finals and tests of my undergrad days. Seems like a moment ago, but really, a lifetime ago. Most of my current classmates were taking naps in their cribs (if they were alive at all!!) when I was studying for my finals then.

Where is everyone going? Austin Bluffs is filled with vehicles and so is I-25. A million lives in process. Everyone lost in their private worlds of deadlines and problems, victories and celebrations. I don�t think I can think read or study another drop. I swear. Either the knowledge is in my brain, or it isn�t. Any more studying is going to make my head explode.

What would I have done if I hadn�t had Charlotte for a sister? What would I have done if she hadn�t stepped up so completely to planning Justin�s wedding? Gah! I hate to think about it. I really think Justin and Moon�s wedding is going to be just wonderful. Everything will be beautiful. Gary�s dinner will be spectacular and mouth-watering. I am sure everything will get done in time and they will have such lovely memories of the day. I am not sure I�ll ever figure out a way to appropriately or adequately thank Charlotte for her help. But I�ll try. I�ve not gift picked out for the kids. What can I possibly get for them? I want them to have something that they can look at or hold and think, my mom gave this to me. If only one could gift-wrap happiness. It seems like the gift should be something memorable. ::sighs::

What am I going to do when everyone is gone? I am feeling the �empty nest� syndrome taking hold. Perhaps I�ll find a way to crawl out of this hole of debt. Partially that is what this degree is about, a means to get ahead. I�d like to think that I�ll manage in a way that will make the lives of the people who work for me better as well. I really don�t want to end up old, alone and destitute. That would be more then I could handle. Going to get old one way or the other, but perhaps I can plan it so I am not destitute. I don�t want my boys spending any time sitting around worrying about me. I want them to be able to concentrate on the things in their life.

School has been good for me, just like stepping into the work world was. I can see that I am very capable of networking. Thank God! That my work ethic is good, and that I have great potential to succeed. That is something that I need to hold onto. It is something that I seem to easily lose track of.

Well� went and looked at my Statistics for a few minutes. Hmmm� hope it clicks in my head soon. It�s 4:00 p.m. � class is in about 30 minutes. I am going to head up to the school.