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May 12, 2004 - 4:00 p.m.
It seems I have been studying and thinking about school for such a long time that I can hardly stand it. I am sitting at Village Inn. I read through all my notes for my first final for today at 4:30. About two house from now. Iíve been looking at my notes for about 1 Ĺ hours this afternoon. As I sit here all I think about is going home, taking a really hot bath (as I am cold) and crawling into bed and sleeping. I am unusually tired this afternoon, perhaps like I havenít a drop of iron in my blood. Thoughts of the economy over the last decade echo in my mind. Words like Keynesianism, Hayek, Mixed-economies, and Thatcherism bump into each other in my mind as a quite voice - looking for a comfy spot in the sun - tries to be heard.
My world seems to be changing so fast that I can hardly keep up. Whoever said Ďnothing ever stays the sameí sure was right. Justin is getting married two days from now. I am so happy for him. Both he and Moon seems so very happy and excited about the prospects of life. I maintain a positive outlook for themÖ and for Kyle and Maqui. They are sitting at the precipice of life, and it is all spread out before them. Anything and everything is possible. Itís a breathtaking vista, to sit at that apex. I have high hopes for all the rest of the kids as well. I am hoping that they will all make wise choices in their relationships, and happiness will follow them all the days of their lives.
I think what bothers me the most, is the cynic that seems to cohabitate in my psyche. If wishes could come true and I could only have one, Iíd want life to turn out wonderful for my kids. That cynic sees the failures in the world and the failures in my own life, and he says, ďSee? Things donít ever turn out the way you planned. Disappointment is out there just waiting to rear its ugly head.Ē I need to SHOOT that guy!!
I am about to finish my first year in the MBA program. Iíve really done much better then Iíd expected, which is a very pleasant surprise! My confidence level seems to waiver all the time. How can one person have so MUCH variation? I swear I have so many moments of great confidence, intertwined with moments of no confidence at all!! School is consuming me. Consuming so much of my Ďfreeí time, that Iíve had little time to really concentrate on the changes surrounding me. Philip is slated to go to CSU this fall, heíll move out and go to college and itíll never be the same. Justin will be married in two days, and though heíll be at home, things will be different. Curtis is chomping at the bit to get out there. He wants his driversí license as soon as possible and then heíll be out in the world before I know it. The purpose of my daily life has begun to alter incredibly. Moon will take care of Justin, make sure heís got dinner and his clothes are washed. I can already see that they are a unit, and I am happy. The kids wonít ever need me again like they have for the last 20 years. How does that impact me? I think it impacts me a lot, much more than I am willing to acknowledge at the moment.
Itís a grey day; cloudy, cold and wet. Rain? I love it. Drizzling and depressing as it is, I know it means the flowers in my flower bed will live. I couldnít stay home and study this afternoon, cuz I knew that I would end up cleaning my room or distracting myself. However, distraction is everywhere!! The dining area at Village Inn has cleared. I guess no one is hungry at 3:06 pm. I am writing my thoughts and thinking about finals and tests of my undergrad days. Seems like a moment ago, but really, a lifetime ago. Most of my current classmates were taking naps in their cribs (if they were alive at all!!) when I was studying for my finals then.
Where is everyone going? Austin Bluffs is filled with vehicles and so is I-25. A million lives in process. Everyone lost in their private worlds of deadlines and problems, victories and celebrations. I donít think I can think read or study another drop. I swear. Either the knowledge is in my brain, or it isnít. Any more studying is going to make my head explode.
What would I have done if I hadnít had Charlotte for a sister? What would I have done if she hadnít stepped up so completely to planning Justinís wedding? Gah! I hate to think about it. I really think Justin and Moonís wedding is going to be just wonderful. Everything will be beautiful. Garyís dinner will be spectacular and mouth-watering. I am sure everything will get done in time and they will have such lovely memories of the day. I am not sure Iíll ever figure out a way to appropriately or adequately thank Charlotte for her help. But Iíll try. Iíve not gift picked out for the kids. What can I possibly get for them? I want them to have something that they can look at or hold and think, my mom gave this to me. If only one could gift-wrap happiness. It seems like the gift should be something memorable. ::sighs::
What am I going to do when everyone is gone? I am feeling the Ďempty nestí syndrome taking hold. Perhaps Iíll find a way to crawl out of this hole of debt. Partially that is what this degree is about, a means to get ahead. Iíd like to think that Iíll manage in a way that will make the lives of the people who work for me better as well. I really donít want to end up old, alone and destitute. That would be more then I could handle. Going to get old one way or the other, but perhaps I can plan it so I am not destitute. I donít want my boys spending any time sitting around worrying about me. I want them to be able to concentrate on the things in their life.
School has been good for me, just like stepping into the work world was. I can see that I am very capable of networking. Thank God! That my work ethic is good, and that I have great potential to succeed. That is something that I need to hold onto. It is something that I seem to easily lose track of.
WellÖ went and looked at my Statistics for a few minutes. HmmmÖ hope it clicks in my head soon. Itís 4:00 p.m. Ö class is in about 30 minutes. I am going to head up to the school.