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March 26, 2004 - Friday, 8:00 p.m.

I had a nice day today. I didn't go to work. I was going to sleep in, but was awake by about 8 am. I went to the movies. I saw "Jersey Girl" with Ben Affleck and "Hidalgo" with Viggo Mortensen. Both were very good shows. It was really nice to sit in a make believe world all day.

I was going to clean house, do laundry and work on homework. HA! Didn't even begin to touch most of that. The house is okay... but not nearly as cleaned up as I would have liked. I did start the laundry... but didn't even pick up a pencil to do homework.

It was quite striking to get home to a messy house. Both Laurie and Kathy's houses were so nice and clean. Wonderful decor, everything nice. I got home to dirty dishes (some of which were from before I left!) and tons of laundry everywhere. Ugh!!

It was so beautiful out today. It's still in the seventies!! The wind is blowing, but a warm wind and my chimes outside the window are chiming. I really do like chimes.

It's only 7 pm, but I feel lazy and somewhat tired. I can't believe that Spring Break is already almost over! It went by far too fast. I wanted to do ALL this stuff and the time is about up.

Tomorrow is my birthday. Hard to believe it is already here again. I think my Mom and Dad are still in North Dakota. I was talking to Char today. She said she was going to plan my birthday party with Mariah's birthday next weekend. So that'll be nice.

I just went and ordered my 'birthday' present. The second season of Voyager is due out May 18th. I just pre-ordered it for myself from Amazon.com.

Forty-four years old!! Man. That sounds alot older then it feels. You know... life goes by very quickly. When you are eighteen it seems like life is spread out before you and goes on forever and that there will certainly be enough time to do all the things that you dream of. But, really, it is sobering to realize that there isn't nearly enough time in your life to do all the things you thought you would.

It's hard to see my grandma. You know, the person I think of is the person I remember from when I was a kid. And she is very different now. I think what really bothers me most is the realization that one day that'll be me... I really don't think I want to live that long. She seems so very vulnerable, and she was never that way when she was younger. She was made of tough stuff, always in motion, always doing something, busy... she was always the one helping, never in need of help herself... but now she is there.. in the place where she needs help... and she wants her kids around... and she asks about Wayne all the time. I know she knows who my Mom is... but I don't think she remembers who I am. I don't want to get to a day when I don't recognize my own grandchildren. I can hardly imagine a time where my parents and siblings would all be gone, but that is where Grandma is... and she wasn't the youngest either. I love my boys so very much... and my nieces and nephews like they are my own... and my sisters... Gah! I can not imagine a life where they aren't there with me laughing and crying. I want my Grandma to be strong and alert doing the things she always did, but that isn't how it is. Ugh!! Enough of that!!

Birthdays are suppose to be a day of celebration. The celebration of life. Not a day to get all melancholy and ponder one's ultimate demise!! Would be really nice to just have a nice birthday and do something with my family. However, Justin works tomorrow night so will spend most of the day sleeping and then will be off to work. Curtis is at his dad's and will be until next weekend. Philip is around but he'll be sleeping too. It's different when you have a spouse I think. (Though what would I know, I spent a small fraction of my life married.) In my fanciful mind, we'd do something nice for my birthday and I'd have a gift on my birthday. And when his birthday came around I could make a special breakfast and have a special gift. But I imagine that is fanciful for sure. Most likely those birthdays are often forgotten by people in their lives. In reality I guess lots of people don't hardly celebrate birthdays.

Gah! I don't want to get depressed... but I can sure feel it creeping up on me. I seem to be overly sensitive. Guess I am wishing for some pampering... but really the only pampering I get is what I give myself.. which isn't much. Would be nice to have a day where everyone wasn't asking something of me. ::slaps herself:: I should be grateful that I am needed, because there will come a day when I won't be. Give it up Hon...

Perhaps I'll put a movie in and watch it and go to sleep. First Curtis wants me to do some stuff... then I'll relax.

M.