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November 29, 2003 - Saturday, 7:18 p.m.
You know, I think that is what I hate most about being alone. When something happens that upsets you, or worries you, there is just you that you can talk to. Nobody else can really be there for you. No matter who you talk to, somewhere in the background their life is taking priority, as it should. They want to be there for you or talk to you, but they can’t really be there. Kids are crying, husbands want dinner, their family wants attention and there you are, sitting alone in the dark wondering what to do.
I’m worried about my son. He quit his job tonight, and not in a good way. I think he is probably struggling with depression and having a hard time dealing with anger. He’s frustrated by life in general, and I feel utterly and completely powerless to do anything. I talked to a friend, but I don’t think it helped. It really just threw some gasoline on a fire that was already burning pretty good by itself. Just gave me more to worry about.
I don’t know about the rest of the Mom’s in the world, but I do know that I spend a great deal of time pondering on my own life and all the things that I’ve done wrong and worry about the impact that has had on my kids.
I got a job that put me out there working at least 40 hours a week, when they were little kids. THEN I got divorced and became a single Mom that sometimes worked two jobs, and/or more then 40 hours a week at the regular job. I was tired a lot. I wasn’t a perfect Mom by any stretch of the imagination. I loved them like crazy, but I wasn’t home when they got home from school, dinner was never on the table at the same time each night. Life was always pretty chaotic. I never did all the things that I always thought that I should… and that has always frustrated me. I don't know that I gave them the proper tools to help them hang onto the boat. I should have found a way to let them know how important their spiritual life is. I am pretty sure I failed pretty badly there.
I know that everyone is on their own journey, and in reality, everyone is really alone on that journey. However, when it is your own kids that are hitting hard times or struggling with things, it is hard. For me when they are struggling, it is like 100 times worse then when it's happening to me. My heart aches with the powerlessness that consumes it. There is absolutely nothing that I can do to fix anything, and I hate it. I could spend hours blaming myself for countless things I’ve done wrong, or opportunities I've missed, but to what end?!? It would serve no purpose other then to make me sadder then I already am.
This is one of those times that I just wish there was someone to just hold me. Not to answer the question or fix the problem or do ANYTHING… just be there to hug me. Something that would remind me that I am not utterly alone in everything I do. But I am.
It’s not very late, but it feels like midnight. The house is totally silent. Everyone is gone, out and about doing something. No TV on… no radio… even the lights are all out. I'm tired… and very sad… and very alone.