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September 29, 2003 - Monday, 12:09 a.m.

Hold on to the Railing

I feel the need to anchor myself. It feels like I’m just drifting… not focusing like I should. I have all these fragmented thoughts in my mind. Thoughts of finances, thoughts of school, thoughts of work, thoughts of my spiritual path… all the thoughts just drifting along on what would seem to be a slow moving stream, smooth and glassy on the surface, and turbulent and vortexing under the surface. I feel the moments of my life ticking away. I feel in a constant state of waiting for a moment some number of moments away from the present. The phrase “I wish it were Friday” linked with the thought “Don’t wish your life away” bumping up against the side of my brain.

As a number of facets of my life beat on the window of my mind wanting my attention, I find that I desire to slip farther away. Homework? Bills? Ugh! I feel like I am going to arrive at the end of my life with this long list of things I haven’t completed. Some times I fear that my soul is starving and that apathy has descended upon me. A small weak voice cries in my mind. “Pick up a prayer book, say a prayer, read something, take hold, take hold.” I am often far too precariously perched on the rail at the edge of the deck of the ship. The ocean is windswept and violent waves are washing against the bow. “Hold on, hold on…” I fear that I am not listening… and I am not doing what I need to do. My eyes are tired, my arms weak, my perception bad. I often feel I am alone at the railing, watching the swirling eddies and grey clouds racing across the sky. I can’t lift my head, if only I could I’d see that the deck of the ship is filled with people… but alas I feel alone.

I’m tired. I keep thinking I’ll just drift off to sleep. But sleep isn’t going to happen I can see… not any time too soon. I meant to study today… truly I did. But somehow, I never quite got there. I know I need to get some of my homework done, but I couldn’t muster up the energy to do it today.

I watched a couple movies… I watched “Enterprise”, which I love. I also love that the series show is repeated on Sunday nights, as I have a class when it is on Wednesday night. I watch “Voyager” on tape most evenings… have been watching “The Fellowship of the Ring” and “The Two Towers” often as well. It feels like I am escaping… or wishing to escape into a fantasy world… Why? Why? The Star Trek World… the Lord of the Rings worlds… why those worlds? I am not sure why, but there is some comfort in it.

I washed and folded lots of clothes… but I didn’t study. Ugh! I should have. Now I have to make time in the next day or two to get it all done.

I am so tired… I wish I would drift off to sleep… can you hear the horn at Helm’s Deep? Or see the riders of Rohan coming before the sunrise? The journey, the journey… find the time, make the priority before the journey ends…. The journey of my life…. Fall asleep woman… please….

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