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September 29, 2003 - Monday, 12:09 a.m.

Hold on to the Railing

I feel the need to anchor myself. It feels like I�m just drifting� not focusing like I should. I have all these fragmented thoughts in my mind. Thoughts of finances, thoughts of school, thoughts of work, thoughts of my spiritual path� all the thoughts just drifting along on what would seem to be a slow moving stream, smooth and glassy on the surface, and turbulent and vortexing under the surface. I feel the moments of my life ticking away. I feel in a constant state of waiting for a moment some number of moments away from the present. The phrase �I wish it were Friday� linked with the thought �Don�t wish your life away� bumping up against the side of my brain.

As a number of facets of my life beat on the window of my mind wanting my attention, I find that I desire to slip farther away. Homework? Bills? Ugh! I feel like I am going to arrive at the end of my life with this long list of things I haven�t completed. Some times I fear that my soul is starving and that apathy has descended upon me. A small weak voice cries in my mind. �Pick up a prayer book, say a prayer, read something, take hold, take hold.� I am often far too precariously perched on the rail at the edge of the deck of the ship. The ocean is windswept and violent waves are washing against the bow. �Hold on, hold on�� I fear that I am not listening� and I am not doing what I need to do. My eyes are tired, my arms weak, my perception bad. I often feel I am alone at the railing, watching the swirling eddies and grey clouds racing across the sky. I can�t lift my head, if only I could I�d see that the deck of the ship is filled with people� but alas I feel alone.

I�m tired. I keep thinking I�ll just drift off to sleep. But sleep isn�t going to happen I can see� not any time too soon. I meant to study today� truly I did. But somehow, I never quite got there. I know I need to get some of my homework done, but I couldn�t muster up the energy to do it today.

I watched a couple movies� I watched �Enterprise�, which I love. I also love that the series show is repeated on Sunday nights, as I have a class when it is on Wednesday night. I watch �Voyager� on tape most evenings� have been watching �The Fellowship of the Ring� and �The Two Towers� often as well. It feels like I am escaping� or wishing to escape into a fantasy world� Why? Why? The Star Trek World� the Lord of the Rings worlds� why those worlds? I am not sure why, but there is some comfort in it.

I washed and folded lots of clothes� but I didn�t study. Ugh! I should have. Now I have to make time in the next day or two to get it all done.

I am so tired� I wish I would drift off to sleep� can you hear the horn at Helm�s Deep? Or see the riders of Rohan coming before the sunrise? The journey, the journey� find the time, make the priority before the journey ends�. The journey of my life�. Fall asleep woman� please�.

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